Thinking Of You
by alwaysandforever.x
Summary: No one forgets their first love. Edward dies in the second world war and leaves behind his broken hearted fiancee Bella. 3 years later she thinks she can move on but what happens when Edward returns? Based on the song by Katy Perry. ExB. Human/Vampire.
1. The seperation

***** THIS STORY IS CURRENTLY BEING RE-EDITED. **  
I've noticed a lot of errors in the earlier chapters and that my writing is a lot better in the end compared to the beginning, so I'm going back and re-editing and replacing all the chapters. None of them will be taken down, they will all stay on but gradually be replaced. I'll take this bit of the A/N down when its all done.**

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**Summary: No one ever forgets their first love. Edward dies in the Second World War and leaves behind his broken hearted fiancée Bella. 3 years later she feels that she can move on, but what happens when Edward returns? ~ **_**Based on the song by Katy Perry.**_

**I was listening to this song and watching the music video earlier and this idea came to mind, I felt like I had to write it right away whilst I still felt inspired. Just a bit of background info here to start with- Bella is currently 17 having turned that 3 months ago, while Edward is 20 and turns 21 in June. So he is 3 years and 9 months older… at the moment. They have been together for 15 months- since Bella turned 16.**

**Please review, I have a lot of free time so I can update quickly- granted if people want to read anymore so reviews will let me know that. **

**Disclaimer: all belongs to Stephenie Meyer, the brilliant and creative genius that she is.**

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(_Song for the story- Thinking of you- Katy Perry)_

"_Comparisons are easily done,  
__Once you've had a taste of perfection.  
__Like an apple hanging from a tree,  
__I picked the ripest one,_  
_I still got the seed.  
__You said move on,  
__Where do I go?  
__I guess second best,  
__Is all I will know… _

_Cause when I'm with him,  
__I am thinking of you,  
__Thinking of you…  
__What you would do if…  
__You were the one,  
__Who was spending the night.  
__Oh I wish that I,  
__Was looking into your eyes."_

***~*~***

**Thinking of you **

**Chapter one**

_December 1941.  
__Isabella Swan_

The air was crisp and thick with the winter mist; everywhere in sight the ground was white covered in snow and ice which glistened in the small amount of sunlight.

Although we were already far into the winter this was the first day that I had seen the weather like this, and felt it in the air so much. I wrapped my blanket tighter around me trying to feel warmth- an attempt, which failed miserably.

I looked at the scenery around me trying to find happiness somewhere, because even though all I could see was white which represented purity, innocence and beauty, I knew that today would be the worst of my life that would take them things away from me.

… I knew how horrible today would be before it had even begun.

Keeping my hands on the rails, I leant over the balcony watching the trees sway in the distance, looking and listening for signs of life. No one was around and that was understandable; this day was going to be difficult for many people.

I silently wondered what it would be like to jump from here right now… would I fly or would I fall? The answer to that was pretty much obvious, but what I'm wondering is- what would it feel like? Would it make you feel free… or _afraid?_

The last option didn't even matter or scare me at all, because I knew there was no chance of me feeling anymore afraid then what I do now.

So trying out my theory I began to lean further over, seeing more and more of the ground as I did.

I must have looked close to falling because the next thing I heard was Edward's panicked voice, "Bella!" he gasped in horror and shock. I heard him running towards me, and then in the next instance he had his hands on my waist and was pulling me back over to safety.

I didn't say anything; I just stood there not facing him, feeling ashamed as I looked down at my feet.

Edward made the first move wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder- admittedly, his warmth was very comforting.

"Are you okay love?" he asked me quietly, his warm breath tickling my ear.

I nodded, not trusting my voice enough to speak, it was as if the almost-falling-from-the-balcony hadn't happened, as the reality of what was going to happen today settled back into my mind instead of it.

… Today my fiancée is leaving to fight in the Second World War in Europe, and word has spread of how brutal this war is going to be, and so I'm afraid that he will die.

So far, my life has been perfect, easy… because Edward has always been there for me. We've been best friends our whole lives despite him being 3 years older. When I turned sixteen I realised that our friendship had grown even more, and that I was in unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. He had always known me too well; it was as if in this instance that he could read my mind because the day I had of my birthday that I had my epiphany - or so you could call it - he confessed that he was in love with me.

And now its Fifteen months later and needless to say we're still inseparable, 3 months ago he proposed and we plan to get married when he returns… _if_ he returns, that is.

I know that I'm very lucky to have a fiancée as sweet and caring as Edward is- if we argue its only little ones about irrelevant matters, which we recover from within the hour- he's normally the one to apologise, even if it wasn't his fault. We struggle to be apart from each other, which some people could and do call unhealthy… not like their comments matter to me, after all being with Edward makes me feel _alive_, that's got to mean our relationships healthy right?

Things have been a little difficult lately with the war beginning and all… Edward felt it was his duty to sign up when they asked for soldiers, saying he wanted to help his country.

At the time though, it wasn't known just how horrible the war would become… and now he knows its not going to be easy, yet he has never complained or told me he regrets his decision. But now today is the day that he has to go- and the day has approached far too quickly for my liking.

I do not know how I would live without him- he's always been a part of my life, and most recently he was all I lived for. I had my parents Charlie and Renee and my friends Alice and Jacob… but I don't think I could ever live a happy life that Edward wasn't in. The thought of it alone seemed impossible.

We stayed quiet for a while- the silence surrounded us. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he had turned to watch me and that his expression was concerned- the frown apparent on his beautiful face.

Knowing him well I could guess what he was thinking- he was worried about how I was acting.

How could he be afraid for me? Doe's he not realise what's ahead of him?

"Please tell me what you're thinking about," he eventually pleaded breaking the silence, his face now pressed into my hair.

I sighed gently, I faced downward letting my hair frame my face, and finally replied- "I'm thinking about why I'm afraid," I whispered.

He brushed some of my hair away from my face, mumbling something about wanting to see my face as much as possible while he can. "Why are you afraid?" he asked me softly.

I laughed without humour; my voice bitter- "Isn't it obvious?" I mumbled.

"No…" he replied slowly.

How infuriating of him!

"Edward, now is not the time to act stupid okay?" I snapped, stepping out of his embrace, walking to the other side of the balcony.

I heard him sigh sadly, "I know that, what I'm saying is theres no need to be afraid okay?" he told me, his voice now slightly hysterical.

"Of course there is!" I screamed, "Edward… you… after today I might never see you again!" I whispered, finally letting the barrier break down. The tears began to fall steadily, feeling hot against my face.

Now that I had started crying, I couldn't stop. I cried for my fears - my fears for what Edward was about to go through, my fears for my life without him, my fears that we will never have our life together… my fears about everything.

Edward held on to me to keep me from falling, I cried into his chest whilst he ran his hands through my hair and rubbed my back soothingly.

He rocked us gently whilst whispering softly to me, "you will see me again, I'll be back, I swear I will, my love."

I shook my head but couldn't find the words to argue, instead I managed to whisper- "Promise me," my voice was slightly muffled by his shirt.

He seemed to understand what I meant because he pulled back and instead took my face between his hands. His thumbs kept brushing at my tears, yet they still kept falling.

His green eyes were wide and sincere, unblinking as he spoke to me, "I _promise_ I will come back to you."

I nodded again, trying to believe him. I bit my lip to try and stop crying, though it didn't help much.

He ran his lips along my cheeks kissing the tears away, whilst I closed my eyes trying to commit the feeling of his touch to memory.

When he stopped kissing my cheeks he lifted my hand and kissed the engagement ring I was wearing, which had now been there for 3 months proving our love for eachother.

We had walked indoors and just sat quietly enjoying each other's company for a couple of hours… it was bittersweet, knowing that we only had limited time together, but we made sure to enjoy it as best we could. It seemed all too soon when Edward glanced at the clock on the wall, regret and sorrow obvious in his features.

"You have to go," I whispered - it wasn't a question, but a statement.

He looked back at me and slowly nodded, his expression now pained.

It was then that I realised… he was more frightened then he was letting me know.

We walked to the door hand in hand, and after grabbing his bags we began our walk into town, the centre of Chicago.

As we approached the goodbye point Edward let go of my hand and instead wrapped his arm around my waist keeping me tightly pressed to his side.

He seemed to be getting tenser and more nervous each step we took, I couldn't help but wonder whether it was for what was ahead of him or the thought of leaving home… both were upsetting thoughts.

Edward had already said his goodbyes to his friends and family yesterday, which was tough for him, but somehow he had held it all together, which only made me admire him even more. I certainly wasn't as strong as him… I never had been.

He quietly began humming under his breath, and I instantly recognised and felt soothed by the wonderful melody…

*~*

"_I have something I want to show you," a 19 year old Edward told me excitedly._

_He pulled me by the hand and I willingly sat next to him on the bench facing the beautiful grand piano. _

"_Oh, you completed the song!" I said excitedly in recognition, I loved his music - I always had. He had always been an amazing player, and composer. He told me that he was struggling to write a song recently, I assumed that now he had completed it he wanted me to hear it - he had always played for me after all._

_He nodded, running his hand through his beautiful bronze hair, something he did when he was nervous. _

_And then without any more words he began playing and instantly the most magnificent and flawless music began. So many emotions were displayed in it but one was the most obvious- joy. _

_My eyes filled with tears just because of the sheer beauty of it, I was stunned and mesmerised._

_Edward wasn't even looking at the piano- instead he was watching me, a small smile on his lips._

_He leant towards me so his lips were now brushing my ear, "you inspired this one," he whispered softly. _

_If I thought that my smile couldn't have gotten bigger before then now I'm sure it was impossible, my cheeks ached from the smile. Yet it didn't matter… I had never felt so happy._

_His lips were still at my ear, his face turned towards me, and yet the music continued flawlessly. _

_The song slowly came to a close; the notes lingering in the air for several moments… even when the music was gone I could still hear it._

"_That was… so, so beautiful," I whispered, knowing that my words didn't do it justice - 'beautiful' barely even covered it but I didn't seem able of thinking of any more adjectives at this moment._

_His smile though was dazzling; he kissed my cheek softly- "I love you," he whispered. _

_More tears ran down my cheeks, "I love you too," I replied, my voice sincere and full of love. _

_He leant in and kissed me until I was breathless, while I still remembered the wonderful melody that this amazing man had written… for me…_

_*~*_

I came out of my memory with tears streaming down my face again, I could see that we had reached our goodbye point- from here he had to go on without me.

And I wasn't ready; I would _never_ be ready to say goodbye to him.

Edward turned to look at me and saw the tears on my face, in response he held me tighter then before.

"Shh sweetheart, please don't cry… it'll be okay…" he murmured into my hair, trying to soothe me, though I could tell by his voice that he was crying as well by this point.

"I'm sorry," I replied, I was shaking by this point and felt unable to control myself.

He only held me even tighter then before to calm me. "Don't _ever_ apologise," he groaned into my hair, seeming to tell me something to remember whilst he was gone.

"Sorry," I mumbled weakly, before slapping a hand over my mouth.

"Isabella…" he groaned disapprovingly, shaking his head.

I managed to smile slightly at this, before expertly changing the subject, "you'll write won't you?" I asked softly, pressing my face into his neck.

"Everyday if I can," he promised me, his voice sincere.

"Good," I said simply, already looking forward to his letters - something to keep him close to me… I would always make sure to reply to him if I could.

It was silent for a moment- though I could hear people in the background, our time was fast running out, and he knew it as well. He pulled away slightly, glancing around us before directing his gaze back at me.

When he spoke he was even more serious then before- "Bella, can I ask you to do something for me?" he asked slowly.

I nodded, my vision was now blurry through the tears, yet my voice came out strong, "Anything," I promised him.

He took a deep breath, and took my face in his hands making sure I was paying full attention, "Be happy for me… _please?_ While I'm gone… just enjoy your life as best you can. _Never_ think that you can't be happy- just do what it takes to make yourself so, even if I don't come back don't think that you don't deserve happiness…"

I stiffened at his last words, I thought he had promised that he would come back…? Was he breaking that promise already?

I hadn't replied to his request, and it didn't escape his notice.

"Bella," he groaned, "promise me…" he begged, his voice now sounding desperate.

"I-I promise," I replied shakily. "…I'm going to miss you so much," I sobbed, the tears now falling even faster then before.

He sighed gently, and loosened his grip; I kept hold of him though, not wanting to let go.

He took hold of my face again, and his voice was the softest I had ever heard it, "Bella… I love you so much, _always_ remember that. You are my life, and you are all that has ever mattered to me," he said softly, his forehead pressed against mine.

I nodded through my tears, "I love you too," I managed to reply. It wasn't as beautiful as what he had said, yet it seemed to be enough because he smiled softly in response.

The noise increased in the background, "I have to go now," he said reluctantly as one single tear fell down his cheek.

"Okay," I replied my voice now lifeless.

He kissed me gently yet lovingly, our tears mixing together. I ran my hands through his hair, trying to remember the softness of it.

_It was a goodbye kiss, maybe our last one._

He kissed me until it was necessary to pull apart for breaths, even then he continued kissing me- he ran his lips along my jaw and then down my neck. I closed my eyes, committing this feeling to memory… the feeling of what his lips felt like against my skin, the feeling of him against me.

It could have been minutes, even if it only felt like seconds, all I knew was that I felt like screaming when he eventually let go of me, "remember what I told you," he said softly.

I opened my eyes to look at him, afraid that it really would be the last time. I took in all of his beautiful features… his beautiful eyes, his messy hair… it seemed like he was doing the same with me.

Finally when we knew our time was up, he leant towards me and kissed me softly on the forehead, holding onto one of my hands tightly.

"_Be safe," _we both whispered to each other at the same time, both meaning different things yet with the same meaning to each other.

Slowly he stepped away, and I let my hand stay attached until it was just our fingertips barely touching. Another tear fell down each of our cheeks as he took the final step away until there was no contact between us.

'_I love you,' _he mouthed to me, before he turned and walked until he was out of sight. He kept glancing back at me every few seconds, and his expression looked the same as mine - broken hearted.

And then, he was gone.

And something told me; it was going to be a long, long time until we were ever reunited.

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**Yeah I know its kind of depressing at the moment; it will get happier though! Unfortunately it has to get a lot sadder before the happiness. There will be happy fluffy flashbacks though!**

**Please review.**


	2. He's gone

**Hey, thanks for the reviews they were all so nice and are really appreciated! Thanks to _twilightobsessed12, Hi, Haayleey, ..Forks and xLinhx _for your kind words! :)**

**So yeah this chapter is definitely the saddest one… for the first few chapters there will be a lot of time jumping until we get to the main part. Sorry if it feels rushed but it needed to be, I'm only going to write the times E and B are apart in a sort of blur, and then it'll get to the good parts :)**

**Please review because I think this is the first time I have updated twice in one day. And more reviews will mean I will continue doing this :)**

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_(Song for the chapter- Leann Rhymes- It probably wouldnt be this way)_

_I probably wouldn't be this way  
I probably wouldn't hurt this bad  
I never pictured every minute without you in it  
Oh, you left so fast  
Somtimes I see you standing there  
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch  
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky  
To have had the chance to love this much  
So God, give me a moment's grace  
Cause if I never see your face  
I probably wouldn't be this way_

**Chapter two**

**March 1942**

It had three months since Edward had gone, and to say I hadn't been coping well would be an understatement.

Days went by and yet I barely noticed, I was barely living.

Instead, my entire life was now focused on Edward's letters I was receiving- his beautiful hand written messages that were now coming weekly, always telling me he was okay and that he loved me and missed me.

Apart from that every night I prayed for his safety and that the war would be over soon, I had heard stories of the tragedies, all sounding so unpleasant, and the mere thought of something like that happening to Edward was excruciating.

It seemed more like I was existing instead of living, everyone could tell the difference in me for instance I was no longer talkative, and my personality had seemed to just diminish.

Almost everyday I would walk into the town just to get out of the house that held so many memories of Edward. I would say hello to people but that would be all- they could tell I was just a shell of my former self after all I never found it in me to have any enthusiasm or to even smile at anything. To me there was no point.

I've noticed that its been a while since Edward's last letter… perhaps 10 days or so, but admittedly that did happen often. I hoped and knew that one would come today though.

After glancing at the clock I noticed the time, it was not long until the mail would get here! I suppose I have time to get some groceries first…

After getting ready I set off walking into town; the sunshine was out today and the air felt warmer. Spring was on its way.

Edward would love this weather, he always did love the sun…

However if it was Spring then that also means that summer isn't far away either… meaning it was not far from June, Edward's birthday.

But my fear is-_ Will Edward be home for his 21__st__ birthday?_

…I will just have to believe that he will.

Birthdays had always been sacred to me; my sixteenth will always be my favourite. Mainly because of one bronze haired man…

"Happy birthday Bella" Edward whispered softly to me, as we leant against each other while we sat outside on the grass.

_We had spent the day together again; this was possibly the hundredth time he had wished me a happy birthday, it was getting tiresome. But I loved him for it. _

_Yes after a wonderful epiphany earlier I have come to the realisation that I am in love with my best friend. To be honest I think I had known all along, it just took me time to realise, and I had to grow up a bit before I could really commit myself to him._

_Now my problem was deciding whether to tell him the truth or not._ _Would he return the feelings or would I face rejection?_

The latter was definitely frightening…

_Edward__ broke my internal debating by speaking softly, _

"_Bella… I have something I need to tell you" he told me quietly, I nodded confirming that I was listening._

"_I… I" – he paused to clear his throat- "Bella? I love you, I'm in love with you" he said softly, getting straight to the point._

_Time seemed to freeze and then suddenly speed up again; did I just hear him correctly?! _

"_You… love… me?" I managed to squeak out, my voice showing my shock._

_He nodded and reached for my hand, when he had hold of it he traced circles onto my palm, "I always have" he whispered, as his bronze hair fell into his face._

_I remained silent for too long; he now looked far more nervous then before. But for me it was like all the puzzle pieces had fallen into place- I should have known from the beginning that we were meant to me. It was destiny, just like how the stars shine every night… its what they just do._

_Finally to end my silence as I brushed my hands through his hair, I whispered- "I love you too" _

_His face flashed up to meet mine, his eyes full of hope, "You do?" _

_I nodded, "Truly I do" I confirmed, I allowed a wide smile to spread across my face. _

_His smile was just as wide –if not wider- then mine. _

_In just a second he closed the distance between us and was kissing me everywhere- my forehead, my jaw, my nose… _

_Finally his lips met my own in a passionate kiss, both of us showing our emotions and just how much we loved each other just through this one action. _

_When we broke apart he rested his forehead against my own, as one of his hands ran through my hair._

_And he quietly whispered- "Bella… You are my life now" _

The memory made me feel upset again, because he wasn't here… however this time it also made me feel happy, remembering the good times.

… It also made me feel optimistic, looking forward even more to when he comes back.

… _If he comes back._

No, I need to think positive… it's the only way I can keep going.

Admittedly for the first month after he had gone I cried all the time, certain that he was going to die. But now three months on I am living with the belief that he _will_ return. After all he did promise, and he had never broken a promise before, why would he start now?

Deep in thought the whole time, I walked around town silently; people didn't seem surprised that I wasn't talking today- even when I did feel like talking, I never spoke much anyway.

On my way back I bumped into Alice and invited her over, feeling it would be polite of me to do so. I haven't been a good friend to her lately.

When we got to my house, the mailman was there. He saw me and smiled, though I didn't return the emotion.

"'Lot's of mail today Miss Swan" he said cheerfully handing me a big pile or perhaps 5 or 6 letters. I thanked him quietly.

I made my way into my house; Alice followed and shut the door behind her she was quiet- she knew how much Edward's letters meant to me and so left me to the silence to read it, when I found it that is…

I quickly flicked through the letters, feeling more and more disappointed as I saw that each one wasn't from Edward.

I sighed in resignation throwing them down on to the table; I stepped away from them feeling as if I had been stung.

_Why wasn't he writing to me anymore?_

"Er, Bella?" Alice said hesitantly from behind me.

"Hm…?" I murmured in response, turning around to face her.

She was holding a brown letter out towards me, "I think this one is important" she informed me quietly.

I took it gently from her, noticing that it had the army stamp on it. Maybe this was Edward after all!

I opened it eagerly, my eyes scanning the page, noticing that this had been typed… Edward always writes his letters by hand…

I finally began reading the small capital printed letters, my eyes widening with horror as I took in what the words meant.

"_We are sorry to inform you that…"_

I continued to read even though I knew the truth from those seven words alone. By the time I reached the end my hands were shaking so much that I couldn't even read, my eyes were blurred with the tears that stung.

… The tears that stung no where near as much as the truth did.

It wasn't Edward writing to tell me he loved me, it was an officer telling me the horrifying reality, my worst nightmare…

_Edward. Had. Died._

After only three months in service, three short months… he was gone.

By this point the paper felt heavy in my hands, I let it fall to the floor- it fluttered and swayed hitting the ground just as my legs gave out underneath me as well and I fell to the floor next to it in a heap. I lay on my side, as I stared unblinking, letting the tears fall from me onto the wooden floors.

"I'm so sorry Bella" Alice said softly as she cried with me, feeling my pain- she was my best friend after all. She laid beside me pulling me into a tight hug, but I couldn't feel the comfort.

Instead, I could only get out two words, which I kept repeating like a chant, "He's dead?"

The love of my life, the core of my existence was gone…? Just like that?

_He promised he would come back… he broke the promise. _

My beautiful, magnificent Edward was gone forever.

It was silent for a long time, the sun set and soon we were covered in darkness. Alice managed to pull me onto a chair next to her to get me off the floor, which had gone cold… not like I felt it.

"What am I going to do?" I sobbed helplessly aware that my statement had come out of no where.

Alice reacted quickly though, "It'll be okay," she said gently, almost like a chant "you can come and live with me for a while or with your parents, we'll take care of you, it'll be okay, it'll get better" she said soothingly.

It did little to help as the pain continued to crush me, dragging me under.

"That's not it Alice…" – I wasn't afraid for where I was going to live, instead I was afraid of how I was going to keep on surviving, keep on breathing- "I-I can't live without him, I can't!" I sobbed through my tears.

I allowed the scenarios to run through my head and then it hit me- could I end my own life to be reunited with him?

I so desperately wanted to, but as I looked at Alice who was crying just at seeing my pain, and I thought about my parents- my loving kind parents. They were also close to Edward and I knew that this news would hurt them- having to learn of my death so soon after would only crush them so much more.

_Could I do that to them so soon? _

_How was I even able of thinking of things so soon?_

As an even stronger wave of grief then before hit me, I collapsed onto Alice, resting my head on her shoulder, feeling too weak to support myself.

His words played through my mind- '_never think that you can't be happy- just do what it takes to make yourself so.' _

'…_Even if I don't come back don't think that you don't deserve happiness.'_

He just didn't understand though. I can't be happy without him, it's impossible.

But would he want me to die…?

I doubt it.

…_I_ wanted to die though.

By this point I was numb, I let go of Alice and allowed myself to fall to the floor again, my head hitting the wood with a resounding bang.

I could feel wetness pooling in my hair and moisture running down my cheeks but I didn't pay any attention.

Instead I allowed the dark waters to pull me under, never fighting for the surface.

_Like a whisper my voice kept telling me… He's never coming back._

And I believed myself.

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**Next chapter preview:**

_"Bella I have something exciting to tell you!" Alice said excitedly, jumping up at down._

_"Oh yeah?" I murmured uninterested, my voice flat. _

_"I met someone! His name's Jasper, he's just returned from the war- he said he knew Edward!!"_

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**Poor Bella :( **

**Review and I'll update soon! The story will get a lot more interesting from here, I know that this chapter was bad but I did try hard.. it was just difficult to write, but yeah :)**

**Thanks for reading!**


	3. One year

**_Kind of important A/N-_ So I am really worried that people will hate this chapter… it's basically glimpses of Bella's first year without Edward, and how she copes. Next chapter will be one huge skip of two years to take us to the main plot; I just feel that this was needed. It may feel like the grief is being dragged out but that's a big part of this story. It will become an issue when Edward comes back- knowing what Bella went through that is, and it will not be so central from this chapter on.**

**It _will _all get better next chapter. **

**So yeah I was wondering is my writing okay in this? I could have spent a bit more time on this but I didn't have long, family stuff. Is it okay though? I've never written anything like this before.**

**This chapter took longer because it took longer to write- there are more words then the average I write. I'll be updating some of my other stories next**

**Please review! Thanks so much for the reviews for Chapter two! Thanks to- _JenniCullen, Twilightlovergirl, Caww, Haayleey (:, MaddyShay _and_ D_ for reviewing, you're all awesome :D**

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**Chapter three**

_Song for the chapter- (Sober- Kelly Clarkson)_

_And I don't know_

_I could crash and burn but maybe_

_At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me_

_So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right_

_No comparing, second guessing, no not this time_

_*~*_

_Three months and I'm still breathing_

_Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know…_

_It's never really over, no._

* * *

**Present**

The year of 1942 was without a doubt the most painful, draining and miserable one of my existence.

And yet I learnt a lot about myself, and grew up, maturing in a way that many girls my age hadn't. I had experienced a nightmare, and hopefully come out of it stronger.

I went through different stages during my grief for Edward- denial, anger, fear, guilt and eventually some form of acceptance.

It was difficult, but it made me feel normal- and only convinced me that what I felt for him was real even more then ever.

And dare I say it; things are now looking up- even though the pain still feels fresh at times.

But not quite as strong as the pain from the past few months though…

* * *

***~*~***

**June 1942**

_Denial._

It had been three months since I had found out the news, 92 days to be exact.

How had so much time passed?

How did things continue to stay so normal?

For instance- how did the sun manage to rise every day, how did people continue their day to day business? How did I wake up breathing and living the days?

…How could all this happen when he wasn't in this world anymore?

After word had spread about Edward, my parents had begged me to go and stay with them for a while, Alice asked me to go and live with her family multiple times but I just couldn't agree. I had to stay here.

…Because although this house was painful to be in because of the memories- that was the reason I couldn't give it up. This was _Edward's _home nearly all his life. It gave me a connection to him, and I knew I would never live anywhere else but here.

Plus although it sounded strange… for the past few months I had this bizarre belief that he would come back. Or that he was still with me somehow.

It was as if when I lay awake at night, he was there watching. Or he was there in my dreams that felt so life like that I became convinced that they were real.

I was in denial that he had really gone… until now.

Because today is June the 20th… and is what would have been his 21st birthday. And as I stood at his memorial (that was empty, they were unable to find his body) I didn't feel him near me.

When I reached home though, I sat for a while looking at the one picture I had of Edward and me. It was taken on his birthday last year around his parent's house… it was a nice day.

As always though, it was better when it was just the two of us, alone…

_After celebrating Edward's birthday all day with both of our family and friends we were finally back at our house. It was late, and the both of us were cuddled up talking about our plans for the future- that didn't seem so far away if it weren't for the fact that I felt so young in comparison to him._

_It had started off with me teasing him calling him old, being that he was now no longer a teenager. However it had turned into me feeling jealous- because it made me feel a lot younger somehow… I couldn't wait to be eighteen after all. _

"_It won't be long now, and once you finally turn eighteen we'll do what we've always talked about… we'll go travelling" he whispered against my cheek, as he hugged me from behind, rocking us gently, "we'll go anywhere you want to go. So what do you feel like? Mexico, Canada, Europe…?"_

"_Hmm…" I replied, contemplated as I rested my head on his shoulder. As an idea came to mind a smirk grew on my face, " well how about Alaska?" _

_"Alaska?" he said, surprised, "Are you sure?"_

"_Completely" I confirmed for him._

"_Well okay… Alaska it is then! Anywhere you want, love" he said softly, kissing my cheek. _

_To be honest there was so many places I wanted to visit, so many experiences I wanted, so many cultures I wanted to experience… _

_To start with I wanted to see South America and feel the heat and see the sunsets, I wanted to see the beauty of the Niagara Falls in Canada. I also wanted to see the museums in France and try the food; to match that I wanted to drink tea in the countryside in England…_

_However, those were all things that were probably impossible for me to do. Being that I'm only young and I've never had endless supplies of money that amount of travelling would cost._

_That didn't matter though, because my life was perfect here in Chicago with Edward. I wouldn't want any of those experiences without Edward by my side anyway._

"_Do you promise?" I eventually asked him quietly. _

_Nuzzling his face into my neck, he breathed against my skin- "I promise."_

I still had a few months until my eighteenth. It would be a huge milestone in my life, but it won't be important to me, in another life it might have been… but not now.

***~*~***

**September 1942**

_Anger. _

In my head the most depressed and sarcastic version of the birthday song kept whirling around-

_'Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me…'_

Everyone was there with me- my parents, Alice, Jacob, Edward's parents and even his older brother Emmett who bought his new wife Rosalie. To top that off, Alice had even invited some people I didn't really know such as the over-friendly mailman who I recently found out is called Micheal Newton. She also invited a few friends from school-, which was years ago! I couldn't even remember all their names- something like Eric, Angela, Jessica… most of them were married now, and with effort I was able to be happy for them all.

I knew that if the situation was different that I would have been married by now… heck I probably would have been half the way to _Alaska, _travelling. Something I would now never have, and would never do.

Yeah I know I sound angry and bitter right now, but I didn't care.

This was my first birthday without Edward, and dare I say it- I was angry with _him. _

He had been there for every birthday I'd ever had, but not this one.

… There was no reason to celebrate.

"_Happy birthday to you… happy birthday to you…. Happy birthday to Bella… happy birthday to you!"_

Everyone chanted the song and I forced a smile the best I could.

"Aren't you happy? You're eighteen sweetie! You always said you wanted to be didn't you?" my mother Renee said from beside me, taking hold of my hand.

"Yeah I did, didn't I?" I murmured rhetorically.

"My daughter… all grown up already," Charlie mumbled quietly and randomly, he looked overwhelmed at everything.

"You can do everything you want to now" Renee continued talking, acting the happiest I've seen her in a long time.

Alice was cautious, and didn't say anything. Edward's family was also looking warily at me; even Emmett who was usually the loudest out of everyone was quiet.

I never replied to Renee's comment, and the subject was eventually changed slightly- it was Alice's eighteenth in just a few weeks, and a party was being planned.

I was glad for the subject change.

I closed my eyes holding back the tears, and instead imagined Edward was beside me, whispering into my ear, holding my hand and telling me how much he loved me.

But he wasn't there.

***~*~***

**October 1942**

_Guilt_

It was a Sunday morning, and was warm again- I assumed it was the last warm day we would get before the winter. The sun was uncharacteristically bright and high in the sky, making everything look better and clearer then usual; I used to always tell Edward that if the sun shone then it meant that something good would happen that day.

Who knows if that really is true anymore…?

Renee convinced me to go with her to church like I used to- she always was very religious, and out of courtesy Charlie and me would always go with her every week. It had been months since I had gone.

I wanted to make an effort so I actually bothered to pick out a nice outfit and make myself look presentable; something I just hadn't done the last five months.

When we were all in the church Renee sat on the left-hand side of me, holding my hand in an encouraging way, whilst Charlie sat the other side of me, with his arm pressed against mine.

I knew everyone in the church, having seen their faces when passing through the town or having actually known them properly. For example- everyone from my birthday party was there.

All was fine… that is until the service began.

After singing the hymns the vicar spoke about the war, and how although god would hate the battles and conflicts, that we should all pray for everyone that was out to war at the moment. And so together we all prayed that they would come home safely.

Afterwards the vicar also praised the men that had voluntarily signed up- he called them courageous.

And although I should have felt pride- proud of my Edward who did just what the vicar was talking about- instead I felt guilty.

I could have saved him… stopped him from going in the first place.

What if I had begged him to stay with me… made him feel guilty, therefore securing that he didn't go?

… If I had done that, he would still be alive.

_Alive._

…Does that mean that his death is my fault?!

The guilt hit me terribly, and once again I felt the tears begin to form- I fought against them as hard as I could.

These were not tears of sadness for once; they were tears of frustration, regret and guilt.

_I'm sorry, Edward._

***~*~***

**November 1942**

_Fear_

It was nearly a year since he had been gone; the time was creeping up on me, it was still continuing to pass far too quickly considering the circumstances.

_I thought that as time passed that the pain was supposed to get easier?_

I was afraid of so many things- what if the pain never went, and it stayed with me forever- this crushing all consuming feeling?

I was also afraid of what I was going to do, I knew I would have to do something with my life soon. My parents wouldn't stand for me being alone and miserable forever- _what if they wanted me to find someone else to marry?!_

As well as those fears I also felt fear for what Edward's last moments were like- was he alone? Was he in unbearable pain? Was the whole experience in the war miserable? Did he have regrets?

I considered all of these things as I sat in my living room with Alice who was here for the afternoon. It had been quiet for a couple of minutes, which was unusual for her. I knew something was on her mind.

"Oh I just remembered! Bella I have something exciting to tell you!" Alice said excitedly breaking the silence; she began jumping up and down.

"Oh yeah?" I murmured uninterested, my voice sounded flat.

She didn't seem to notice my lack of enthusiasm- there and again, when was I enthusiastic about anything these past few months?

"I met someone! His name's Jasper, he's just returned from the war- he said he knew Edward!!"

At the last word she said, I froze. Any mention of him always had me interested, and Alice had actually met someone who was with Edward at war?

"What…?" I finally managed to gasp out.

She knelt in front of me nodding; she took both my hands in hers.

"Jasper is the only son of my parents friends, he's just come back from the war after gaining a terrible injury. Last night my parents invited his family over and we got talking, I mentioned how a friend of mine had… _died…_ and when I told him Edward's name he told me how he was placed with him in the same unit- they became good friends"

I nodded, trying to hold the tears in.

She smiled at me softly, stroking my hair, "he told me how brave and wonderful Edward was… I didn't ask him for too many details though. However, I did mention how you were Edward's fiancée and that you might want to know some things. He's away for a couple of weeks to get treatment, but when he comes back I thought you might want to meet him? So if you had any questions about Edward then you can find out?" she asked quietly, making it clear that she wasn't forcing me to do this.

I already knew my answer though- "yes… I do, thank you Alice" I replied gently, my voice still lifeless.

She told me she would come and meet me later, I knew she probably wanted to tell me more about Jasper himself- after all her face did light up at every mention of his name. But I was too numb to talk about the possibility of love as selfish as that sounds.

However before she left I did surprise her by pulling her into a tight hug, "thank you so much Alice, for everything- I mean it" I whispered into her spiky hair, hiding my damp eyes.

Although I didn't tell her what 'everything' meant, I knew that she knew what I meant- that I was thanking her not for the little things she did, but for being there. I was basically thanking her for being my best friend even when I wasn't being a good friend back.

"Your welcome" she whispered back over my shoulder, when she pulled away she had one single tear running down her cheek.

…A tear of happiness.

She thought I was making a break through.

Maybe I was.

***~*~***

**December 1942**

_Acceptance_

It was the first day of snow we'd had for this year, it made everything look fresh and so clean.

The air was the coldest it had been in a long time. I remembered the last time I had really appreciated the beauty of snow… the day Edward had left.

I would have wondered just why it was that I suddenly began noticing it after this time, but I instead found myself focused on Jasper's stories from the war.

Jasper Whitlock certainly was an interesting man, his blue eyes seemed to shine as he explained his stories as expressively as he could to Alice and me. From what I gathered he loved being in the war, he looked so proud when he talking about protecting his country.

… His selflessness reminded me of Edward's personality- perhaps that's was part of the reason why they had become such good friends while at war together.

It was clear that he and Alice adored eachother, you could see it from the way they looked at the other person. For once it didn't hurt so much to see other people with these emotions- it used to.

Besides, it really was lovely to see my best friend so happy.

They talked for a while and I listened, laughing at some of their stories- it felt weird- I had forgotten what laughing really was like, I hadn't done it in so long…

However soon the conversation became a lot more serious, I started off with questions such as 'was Edward happy?' and 'Were you two good friends?' Jasper only ever responded with positive answers. It was obvious that he thought of Edward as a really good friend and that Edward's death affected him deeply as well.

Although it changed the atmosphere I had to ask some darker questions- the ones that had made me afraid for so long. I needed to put my mind at ease.

"What was it that killed him?" I whispered, looking down at my hands.

"He was shot" Jasper replied quietly, not going into too much detail.

I looked up at him; Alice was now holding his hand, comforting him- he looked upset, clearly remembering the horrible events in his mind.

"Were you there when it happened then?" I asked him nervously.

"No I wasn't… but I found him shortly afterwards" he replied.

I took a deep breath, afraid to ask this question, I already knew the answer after all- "Was he… in a lot of pain?"

Jasper took a long time to reply, he looked indecisive.

"Please just tell me the truth" I urged him, trying to make myself look more demanding- I didn't want him to think I was weak, even though that's exactly what I was.

"Okay, I'll be honest with you. Yes, he was in pain, but not for that long" he told me.

I didn't doubt Jasper's honesty; sincerity rang through his voice thick and clear.

"Okay, I expected that much" I said quietly.

"He didn't seem that frightened though," Jasper commented, looking thoughtful. "Towards the end just as Dr Cullen got there, he actually mentioned you a few times" he said softly.

"He did?" I asked surprised.

"Yes, he kept saying things like 'I love you, Bella' and 'I'm sorry, Bella' …I think he was imagining you were with him" he explained.

I didn't know what to say out loud, but on the inside my mind was doing cartwheels.

I chose the most off-hand comment I could- "That must have been confusing for you, not knowing who I was" I murmured, looking down at my hands.

"But I did- everyone in our unit did. Because before the disaster happened… you were all that Edward talked about, you were the reason that he wanted to keep fighting" he explained to me, his voice kind.

_He lost the fight though._

I didn't go into any more detail with my questions- I knew I would find out more as time passed, and I already knew enough by this point.

I left Alice and Jasper and walked home alone, walking quickly to make sure it was still light when I got back.

…Having heard what Jasper told me made things suddenly seem so much lighter and easier. Because now I know that Edward wasn't unhappy, and he didn't die in an unbearable situation compared to some things that happen. I knew that he made friends… and he was happy, because he was planning for his life after the war.

I sat by the window watching the snowfall, and remembered my last day with Edward. And as I let the images replay in my head for once I didn't cry… I smiled as I thought about our once-in-a-lifetime love.

I knew I was getting better… it was taking a long time but I was now taking the first steps towards accepting his death.

I knew it was real- that he really was gone forever. But I was now coping with that thought.

And as I sat home alone I accepted that this _is_ my life now, and I'll get used to it- the lack of it.

* * *

**Next chapter preview:**

_"So what do ya think? Would you like to go out with me sometime?"_

_As I considered my answer I took everything into consideration… I suppose it had been years since Edward had died. Edward would want me to be happy._

_I had been so alone and so unhappy for so long after all._

_And this guy was wonderful; he had been there for me the whole 3 years, always being patient allowing me to grieve my lost love._

_I finally replied, ignoring my instincts that were screaming 'no, don't do this' to me- "yeah, I would love to"_

* * *

**Please please pretty pleeeease review. Last chap got 6 reviews, so can we get that again? I'll update as soon as I can if I do!**

**Anyway... this has taken hours. And now I'm starting an update for another of my stories, not sure which one yet :)**

**This chapter wasnt too depressing was it..? Please stay with this story, as you probably know it WILL get a LOT happier VERY soon! **


	4. Living again

**A/N- Hiii, thanks for reviewing again! Thanks to- _vampiregirl1654, fiona, Beesy, MorganCullen1234, Haayleey (:, Twilightlovergirl, caww, kaygirlrach, randomreviewer, and reader*sigh* _for your really nice comments**

**So yeah hope this chapter is okay... I'm in a bit of a rush so this is a bit of a rushed A/N but yeah... please review again, its peoples comments that keeps this story going :) Thank you!**

* * *

**Thinking of you **

**Chapter four**

_(Song for the chapter- Michelle Branch, goodbye to you)_

_I've been searching deep down in my soul_

_Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old_

_Feels like I'm starting all over again_

_The last three years were just pretend_

_And I said Goodbye to you_

_Goodbye to everything I thought I knew_

_You were the one I loved_

_The one thing that I tried to hold on to..._

* * *

**Previously (December 1942)**

_I sat by the window watching the snowfall, and remembered my last day with Edward. And as I let the images replay in my head for once I didn't cry… I smiled as I thought about our once-in-a-lifetime love._

_I knew I was getting better… it was taking a long time but I was now taking the first steps towards accepting his death._

_I knew it was real- that he really was gone forever. But I was now coping with that thought._

_And as I sat home alone I accepted that this is my life now, and I'll get used to it- the lack of it._

* * *

**Two years later… **

**December 1944**

_Isabella Swan_

Another two years without him, 24 months… around 730 days…

And he's still so fresh in my mind.

Every night I dream of him- this dream has been the same since the beginning, and yet every time I still thought it was real, I still wished it was with everything I had in me… well I wished most of it was real, not the end part.

…_The sky was blue and bright, but the clouds were covering it fast. They were deep, dark; depressing clouds that could only mean something bad was going to happen. _

_I could hear the noise of the engines- the fighter planes- roaring in the distance. And as the gun shots and the shouting, and cries of pain began it finally dawned where I was- the battlefield. _

_I was at the war._

_As I heard the screams of the men telling me to duck down or to run for cover I realised I wasn't covered. I was wearing a dress- a white dress, I was barefoot and my hair was down and long swirling around me so I could barely see. _

_What I was able to make out though was obvious. _

_People were running past me in blind panics- running to safety. But I only stood, confused- I tried to step forward but I just couldn't move, I was rooted to my spot up on a small grassy hill, looking at the fires and the people lying motionless in the distance._

_It was like I was waiting for something or rather someone…_

"_Bella!" _

_I turned towards the voice and to my joy I came face to face with him. _

…_My Edward. _

_He still looked as handsome as ever even though he looked weak and worn from the war- he was in the full dark green uniform, but wore no helmet, letting his now longer un-cut hair swirl in the breeze. _

"_Edward…" I breathed. _

_He stepped towards me so he was only inches apart, he pressed his forehead to my own, closing his eyes while breathing deeply. _

_He intertwined our fingers, holding onto my hands gently. _

"_I miss you" he whispered. _

_I noticed that he didn't use the past tense… only the present. At first it seemed unusual- was he confused? But then it dawned on me. This was only a dream, he was referring to reality- because in real life we're so far apart even though in my mind we were together like this._

"_Me too" I breathed. "Can't you come back home, to me, now?"_

_He shook his head, his forehead still against mine._

_His next words surprised me though as he murmured- "Not yet, love" _

"_Please…" I begged him; I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself to him._

_He wrapped his arms around me- I could see he had- but I didn't feel them substantially._

_He pressed his lips to my forehead, breathing cold, sweet breaths against my skin. _

_And then he said the words that broke my heart- "No… I'm sorry…but don't forget me." _

_And slowly in front of my own eyes, he faded away… the scenery also changed- the hills and metal fences became tall brick buildings, the sky turned from blue and cloudy to a dull grey, the people running and panicking turned into people who I knew standing all around me. _

_It stung once again to see that the one person I wanted to see more then anyone was not there… he never would be. _

_Everyone was wearing identical masks of sympathy, the crowd broke apart and my family and Alice and Jasper walked through. _

_I was stuck on the spot again. Together, like a chant they repeated the same sentence, whispering- "he's not coming back Bella…" _

And then slowly, sadly… real life came back to me.

Yes, that dream had been the same for two years, ever since the first time I spoke to Jasper about Edward. From that night onwards not one night has gone by without it, it almost makes me look forward to sleeping… even if I only see Edward's face for a short while. It is always so vivid and so _real, _so convincing…

However, time to go back to reality- the truth is things have gotten a lot better as time has passed, for other people as well as me.

For instance- Alice and Jasper recently got married a couple of months ago in a beautiful ceremony… ever since they first met they have been inseparable and it is wonderful to see. Everyone predicted that they would get married towards at the beginning of their relationship.

We were all right.

I was a bridesmaid at their wedding, as was Emmett's wife Rosalie.

Speaking of which… only 6 months ago Emmett and Rosalie had their first child- a girl called Lillian (Lilly for short). She was born in the June, exactly two weeks before what would been Edward's 23rd birthday.

Lilly is- _and always has been since she was born_- so beautiful with Emmett's dark hair and Rosalies sky blue eyes.

Emmett and Rosalie had surprisingly become good friends of mine over the months. For the first few months Emmett wasn't as happy as he is now… it was his own way of coping. Both of us helped each other cope with our grief, talking about Edward… after all he meant a lot to both of us.

As for Rosalie… well at first she did seem tough and unfriendly, but one day that seemed to shift. The hard exterior she had faded into a softer one and she quickly became one of my best friends.

She told me that when she found out she was pregnant it was the happiest moment of her life- she had always dreamed of a family since she was young.

Once Emmett had found out about the pregnancy, it bought life back into him… and now he is the funny, happy guy that you can't help but be thrilled to be around.

It's only sometimes, on rare occasions that I see that sadness come back to him- the sadness that comes from missing his brother.

And me…?

Well, I was still upset a lot, and overly emotional sometimes. But somehow through my friends, my family and my job, which I had recently got, I found it so much easier to be happy.

And now I was twenty years old, I felt so much older… probably because I'm no longer a teenager.

In my job down the book/coffee shop I was fortunate to get the same hours as Angela and Jacob… I found that Angela was a lot like me, and we quickly became good friends.

But it was Jacob became my best friend alongside Alice.

He always managed to make me feel a lot happier, with his warm smile, big hugs and good jokes. He was my brightness through the darkest period of my life.

He knew everything about Edward, and always told me he was willing to listen to me talking about my relationship with Edward.

Which I must admit was nice.

And slowly as time passed during these two years, I found myself talking about Edward less. It didn't mean that my love for him weakened- no. Instead, I kept all my thoughts of him to myself; I never went a day without thinking about him.

I was either thinking about memories of us, imagining what he would look like now if he was alive- would his hair be longer, or neater? Would his eyes still be so green? …I also wondered whether we would have our first child yet or still be travelling, seeing the world together…

Anyway… like I said… back to the present.

Today it was a daytime shift at work- the only day I had with just Jacob, it was Angela's day off. The hours seemed to pass quickly and before I knew it our shift was over and we were on our 10-minute walk home.

We were in a casual conversation, talking about our parents when Jacob surprised me with his comment.

"…You look really nice today by the way, really… beautiful" Jacob blurted out randomly, his voice soft.

I was taken back by his comment- he thought I was beautiful?

There was only ever one person who had called me that… I thought no one else would ever think it, simply because it wasn't true.

"Oh, thanks… where did that come from?" I asked, smiling up at him.

He shrugged, "Just felt like telling the truth" he mumbled, looking embarrassed.

I blushed at his obvious compliment- I never got them after all.

As I felt my face get hotter I pulled my hair in front of my face in an attempt to hide it. But a sudden noise made me freeze in my actions- it sounded like a growl.

I froze in my spot- and began looking all around me… but I saw nothing but the ordinary sidewalk and the rush of people walking past us.

But I could have sworn that I heard…

A warm hand grabbed mine; while another one reached up to push the hair from my face soothingly.

"Hey, hey… what's wrong?" Jacob asked worriedly, his eyes trying to make contact with my own.

I couldn't stop looking around us though despite his hold,

"I just…" I whispered, my voice shaking out of surprise. I was about to tell him, but then I froze- he clearly hadn't heard it, he probably would think of me as insane if I mentioned what it was.

I finally replied- "Never mind… I just thought I heard something that all" I murmured.

When we began walking again Jacob kept asking if I was okay and I kept insisting I was. After all it was true- I was just a little spooked.

I couldn't shake off the feeling that someone was watching me- I looked up at Jacob but he was looking ahead, a small smile playing on his lips.

He began asking what I was doing this evening, I replied with an off-hand comment- "same as always- nothing."

He continued talking, but as awful as it sounds- I wasn't listening. There was something that was drawing me to look over to the other side of the street. I blinked once and then suddenly I saw something familiar in the crowd of people, that same shade and style of bronze hair… my heart literally felt like it had stopped.

My breath came in a gasp, and everything seemed silent, I was oblivious to everything around me… I kept my eyes locked on the beautiful colour.

I didn't even want to blink.

Jacob's voice was beside me…

"Bella?"

"_Bella, what is it?"_

But one velvet voice floated through my mind…

"Bella, love…"

My eyes felt sore, open wide and staring, I couldn't keep them open any longer… I quickly saw black as I blinked, before focusing my eyes again… but it was gone.

I couldn't see the colour anywhere; it was gone from the crowd.

Although there was some instinct telling me it wasn't my imagination, I chose to believe that it was.

It must have been someone else…

I sighed softly, and became aware again that Jacob was still talking. I focused in on what he was saying; he looked really focused on telling me something.

He turned to face me, taking both my hands into his, his cold breath from the air blowing into my face.

"I know you needed a while to get used to Edward's death… which I've been fine with, I understand of course I do…" he whispered, his voice shaking. I wanted to tell him he wasn't making much sense, but instead I let him continue – "but I've got to tell you Bella… I feel that now is the right time… but I love you… I'm _in love_ with you"

Wait, he was telling me he loved me?!

But how could he…? How could someone like him love someone as broken, as secluded as me?!

It… wasn't… possible.

Now would have been the perfect time to say something, to tell him I wasn't sure I felt the same, or tell him what a wonderful friend he is to me.

But I couldn't quite comprehend what he was telling me.

"You… love…. Me?" I gasped out, still utterly frozen in surprise.

He nodded, seeming to gain some confidence; "I always have Bella… your amazing, so strong, so beautiful…"

"I don't know what to say," I admitted, biting my lip.

"You don't have to say anything" he said kindly, "I know you don't feel the same… yet. But just consider this okay? Consider us? I could make you really happy, I would take care of you"

Suddenly Edward's words wrung in my mind, though this time I couldn't hear his voice, just my own thoughts taking me back. - _'Never think that you can't be happy- just do what it takes to make yourself so…'_

'_Even if I don't come back don't think that you don't deserve happiness.'_

Jacob wasn't Edward, and even if I lived forward I would never love another like I loved- _love-_ Edward. However… I cared for Jacob; he did make me happy, and made me feel safe… I would have a good life with him.

But somehow… the thought of being with Jacob felt like a betrayal to my Edward.

"…So what do ya think? Would you like to go out with me some time?" Jacob asked me quietly.

As I considered my answer everything in my life flashed before me in just those few seconds. I took everything into consideration… first of all wondering would it _really_ count as a betrayal?!

I suppose it _had_ been years since Edward had died. Edward would want me to be happy.

I had been so alone and so unhappy for so long after all.

And Jacob really was wonderful; he had been there for me the whole 3 years, always being patient allowing me to grieve my lost love.

What was the harm in going out with him once? To see where it went?

I finally replied, ignoring my instincts that were screaming 'no, don't do this' to me- "yeah, I would love to"

Jacob blinked surprised- like he wasn't expecting my response, "Really?" he asked, his voice hopeful.

I nodded, managing a smile for him.

His face suddenly broke out into a joyful smile. "That's so great Bells… really… I wasn't expecting you to…" he paused, before his smile grew impossibly wider as he asked- "how 'bout tomorrow?"

*~*~*

The night and the day that followed passed quickly, I had a day off work so I spent the day cleaning and cooking. I fell asleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon, seeing the dream version of my Edward once again.

_Only, he really isn't my Edward anymore. He hasn't been that in such a long time. _

I knew where I wanted to go now.

So just a couple of hours before I went out with Jacob I went out for a walk by myself, and found myself at the same place I have been countless times before.

I went to the cemetery.

I sat by his grave and told myself that I was doing the right thing.

I am… I am… right?

As I sat in peace, thinking of both Edward and Jacob it seemed like things were easier now.

But little did I know what was ahead of me, and how my life was going to be so abruptly altered so soon, and it would be full of heartache, surprise and pain.

I didn't know that the decisions I would have to make soon would be so much tougher then what I've ever faced.

And most importantly… I wasn't aware of _who_ or what was watching me right now.

* * *

**Next chapter preview(s):**

"Jacob... I _swear_ I saw him... he was there- please, you have to believe me..." I begged him, telling him to understand.

Suddenly, I saw a side to Jacob I had never seen before. He looked murderously angry...

"You have to stop this Bella. He's dead remember? Your with me. He's not your fiancee anymore..."

*~*~*

"Get away from her... _now."_

_(Sorry but I haven't started writing the next chapter yet, but what I can say is that something along these lines will happen... this preview is more of a hint this time.) ;)_

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**That wasnt too boring was it? Sorry if people didnt want Jacob to be 'the other guy' ... but it kind of was the plan from the beginning :/ Besides, we all know this is a ExB story... and who will be back soon... ;)**

**Anyway, the next chapter will be a lot better- im really excited to write it!! Please, please, please review and i'll update as soon as I can... everyones comments are really appreciated :)**

**Thanks for reading!**


	5. It's you

**A/N- Wow, wow, wow thank you for the reviews!! They were awesome and its great to see a lot of people replying. Thanks to- vampiregirl1654, twilightobsessed12, caww, XxXSilverShadowXxX, Haayleey (:, safarise, bliitz, Iheldyourhand, the doll tales, aman, EmilieDeVere, CauldronCakeBaker and randomreviewer for reviewing!**

**I'm nervous about this chapter. I really hope its okay, but I'm afraid its not. I'm keeping this A/N short for that reason! **

**Please, please, pleasee review though :)**

* * *

**Thinking of you**

**Chapter five**

_(Song for this chapter- Carrie Underwood, Just a dream)_

_Baby why'd you leave me? _

_Why'd you have to go? _

_I was counting on forever _

_…Now I'll never know._

_I can't even breathe, _

_It's like I'm looking from a distance _

_Standing in the background _

_Everybody's saying he's not coming home now _

_This can't be happening to me, _

_This is just a dream._

* * *

_Previously…_

_As I sat in peace, thinking of both Edward and Jacob it seemed like things were easier now._

_But little did I know what was ahead of me, and how my life was going to be so abruptly altered so soon, and it would be full of heartache, surprise and pain._

_I didn't know that the decisions I would have to make soon would be so much tougher then what I've ever faced._

_And most importantly… I wasn't aware of who or what was watching me right now._

* * *

**March 1944**

More time passed, and now that it was March, the winter was closer to ending and with it my life continued to change- just like the seasons.

There was no longer any snow because instead the clouds replaced them, with the sun sometimes casually making its appearance.

It was bizarre, but lately I seemed to prefer the clouds… whenever it was sunny I felt uneasy somehow? You could call it exposed perhaps. Somehow the sunshine didn't feel as safe as the dark did.

Back to life then- ever since the night of my first date with Jacob things have been good and consistent with us. We were now practically inseparable. I must admit I do rely on him far too much for everything.

I also lived on the belief that he wouldn't leave, after all he had actually been so loyal through out my darker days and so far he had been wonderful in our relationship. People always commented on how much he cared for me.

However, I knew I could be more loyal. After all whenever we are together my thoughts always stray to Edward- it's not intentional… I couldn't help it. I always think things like 'his touch is different to Edward', I tried not to compare them but it was difficult.

It was getting easier though, I knew I did genuinely care for Jacob now. It couldn't compare to the love I had for Edward, but I was happy with Jacob- I knew it would remain that way.

It was the late afternoon and I was on my way back from work alone, it was Jacob's day off and he was meeting me back at the house. I insisted I wanted to walk by myself- I enjoyed having the moments to just think to myself.

Today I let my thoughts focus on my friends, and how lucky I felt nowadays.

When I told Alice, Rosalie and everyone about me and Jacob they were all happy for me. They didn't once judge me for my decision.

The only person who eventually made a comment was Jasper; all he said was _'are you sure about this?'_- I knew he didn't just mean me getting together with Jacob, he also meant me accepting the truth about Edward.

I responded with yes but the real response in my mind was no. I wasn't sure about any of it. I couldn't be sure about anything anymore, only that I was mildly happy again.

Just as I was musing about what to do with the week coming up, I looked around me, at the surrounding city life. It was full of people all travelling somewhere out to work or home to someone.

I looked across the street, and once again my attention was diverted.

…By the bronze hair I could once again see amongst the crowds.

It couldn't be… not again?

I stood rooted to the spot just like last time, a mere two months ago. I kept my eyes fixated on that beautiful shade.

And then perhaps due to my wishful thinking or my desperation but the crowd broke apart slightly, and I could see just who it was.

Even though it was only a blink-and-you'll-miss-it viewing, I knew that face.

I knew him better then I knew myself.

I tried to call out to him but my voice got caught in my throat.

My mind kept rejoicing though- _it's him, it's him!_

_My Edward, its my Edward!_

His expression looked sad somehow, he looked tired with shadows under his eyes- despite the distance I could see them clearly. He was focused ahead on something and didn't glance in my direction.

However unlike him my expression was full of joy, I could feel my smile stretched across my face. I took a step forward, ready to cross the road and run up to him. So I could run into his arms and tell him how much I missed him and love him.

_I love you, I always have, I always will… _

However my step closer to Edward meant that I stepped in someone's way, they were walking too fast and ended up shoving into me slightly mumbling a quiet 'sorry', but the force which they had bumped into me at made me stumble.

When I had finally regained my balance, having grabbed hold of the streetlight I looked back up to that spot- just to see that he was gone. I couldn't see him anywhere.

Disappointment and despair flooded me, because I hadn't got to talk to him- to see him close up. I had waited so long for that moment and had only just missed out…

_It will happen soon enough though._

At that thought the disappointment faded and the joy and sheer happiness returned, though this time it was stronger then before.

My emotions kept changing so quickly it was staggering, but that was the way people felt after getting the most wonderful surprise right?

I turned on my heel and began sprinting towards my home, it was only a short run but because of the speed I somehow managed I could feel my lungs burning.

I didn't care though.

"Jacob… Jacob! I have something to tell you!" I yelled as I ran into the house. I slammed the door behind me and leant against it, getting my breath back.

Almost immediately he came running into the room, "What is it Bella, what's wrong?" he asked worriedly as he approached me, his eyes looking all over me looking for damage of some sort.

…I didn't know why I was planning on telling Jacob this, I didn't think about the consequences before I spoke.

If I knew what was going to happen after I told him, then I wouldn't have said anything.

But unfortunately, I'm not psychic or a mind reader. And because of my pure elation, I told him what I had seen without hesitation. Not even taking into consideration the way he may react to it.

"Nothings wrong…" I assured him, "But something has happened… I-I… I saw _him, _on my way back just now"

"Saw who?" he asked confused; he was frowning and I could also hear the suspicion in his tone.

I took a deep breath, I hadn't said his name in a long time now- having only kept it to my memory- "I saw Edward" I breathed.

Suddenly Jacob's expression shifted, he no longer looked confused, and he looked angry. Was it anger because I was so happy about seeing Edward? Or anger because of something else?

But his next words were not what I was expecting- "Be serious Bella" he snapped, turning to walk away from me.

I followed him as he walked into the living room, trying to convince him I was right.

"Don't you believe me?" I asked him.

He turned around to face me, his expression unreadable. "No I don't" he replied.

"Jacob... I _swear_ I saw him... he was there- please, you have to believe me..." I begged him, telling him to understand.

Suddenly, I saw a side to Jacob I had never seen before. He looked murderously angry...

"You have to stop this Bella." _– stop what? -_ "He's dead, remember? He's been that way for a long time. You're with _me_. He's not your fiancée anymore..."

It then clicked what was bothering Jacob… he was jealous, jealous because of how I still felt about Edward.

I suddenly felt terribly guilty.

"I never said he was Jacob… I just said that I swear I-" I panicked, trying to reassure him.

"Enough!" he suddenly shouted, cutting me off, "Can't you see what your doing Bella?! You acting as if he's still alive… like I don't exist, like I don't matter."

"No, Jacob I'm not…" I argued.

"Stop denying it, damn it! I know he's all you think about," he growled, raising a hand slightly as if he wanted to hit something, or someone.

"That's not true" I lied, trying to make my voice calming.

"It is Bella, why are you not admitting it? I know its true- I hear you at night… saying his name in your sleep; I see the way you close off sometimes deep in thought as if you're remembering something. I know where you really go when you just have to 'go into town'…" he paused, taking a deep breath. His face was turning red from the anger; I was frightened from this side of him I was seeing.

I didn't reply to what he said.

He laughed quietly without humour, shaking his head- "…and you know what the craziest thing is? You think about him so much, that even though he's been dead for _three years – _you still kid yourself into thinking that he's freaking alive"

The last sentence hit me hard as the realisation creeped in. Surely there was no way Edward could be alive… could he?

No.

It's just not possible… I got told he was dead. If he was alive he would be back here with me, I know he would.

Jacob looked even more furious now, was he reading my mind? Was I speaking out loud? His next words were completely to do with what I was just thinking- "News flash Bella- He's dead okay? Gone. Accept it, now."

As his words hit me like a ton of bricks I felt the hot tears well up in my eyes. "Why are you yelling at me like this?" I whispered, my voice cracking.

However, Jacob didn't pay attention to the fact that I was crying; he just continued yelling- "Because it's about time someone did! Your still in denial Bella… and this thing with us is never going to work if you can't move on"

"It can work, I have moved on…" I lied- I knew I was lying and Jacob knew it too.

"No you haven't," he said slowly, talking to me as if I was stupid.

…_Maybe I am. _

He continued talking- "You still love him don't you?"

"I don't know…" I mumbled, though I knew the truth- I did, I always would.

Jacob now looked even more defeated, "Why can't you love me, huh? Why do you have to still love him when he's not even alive?"

Jacob was right. Why couldn't I love him? Until now he had never raised his voice at me… he always treated me so well…

_But I just couldn't fall in love with him._

I didn't know what to say.

"Tell me!" he snapped; his loud voice made me jump.

"I just do!" I screamed my voice was now bordering on hysterical.

In a second he closed the distance, he grabbed hold of my wrists tightly in his strong hands.

"Why can't you love me?" he hissed his voice angry, though I could see the sadness and the possibility of tears in his eyes.

His grip on my wrists tightened.

"Jacob, you're hurting me…" I whimpered, trying to get out of his grasp.

"Just answer my question!" he yelled, his face now even closer to my own.

I closed my eyes tight shaking my head, I continued trying to fight against him.

He gripped them even tighter, so tight I ended up crying out in pain, he shook me and continued shouting- "Answer now Bella, or I swear I will-"

"Get off her!" a voice suddenly thundered from across the room. I looked around to see Alice and Jasper behind us, running into the room alarmed.

Instantly Jacob let go of my wrists, I fell to the floor sobbing, feeling the burn due to the blood rushing back up to my hands.

Jacob stood near me, his expression now softer. He reached out towards me with one hand, but was cut off as Jasper pushed him away from me. Jasper's face expression was furious- furious with Jacob, not me.

"Get away from her… now" Alice hissed at him, it was as if Jacob's actions were sinking into his mind. Because Jasper walked back over to Alice and me Jacob didn't follow. Instead he backed away, his eyes wide with horror. "I'm sorry" he gasped out. Alice ignored him- "come on Bella, your coming with me and Jasper" she said soothingly taking hold of my hand.

I wasn't able to respond much- I merely nodded to let them know it was okay.

Together both her and Jasper pulled me up, and we began to walk towards the door.

Just before we left I glanced back at Jacob- he still wore that same expression of horror, though now it was full or regret and sorrow as well.

"I'm sorry Bella" he said softly, he sounded devastated.

"I'm sorry too" I breathed out, my voice still croaking. He nodded, and let me go.

Alice looked at me incredulously when I apologised, silently asking _'why are you apologising to him!?'_ … but she hadn't seen everything that happened. All she saw was Jacob yelling at me, not my insane thoughts earlier, which wound him up and devastated him.

Jacob shouldn't have apologised, it should have only been me. I was sorry because I didn't think before I acted. It wasn't fair to Jacob –or to anyone- for me to still believe all that about Edward.

Firstly, it wasn't fair to Jacob because of how much he had done for me. I know he loves me and yet all I do is compare him to someone who I will always love much more.

It isn't fair that I can't give all of myself to Jacob.

To top it all off… believing Edward is still alive isn't fair to me. All I am doing is giving myself false hope… believing in something that isn't there anymore.

Because it had sunk in now… I must have imagined seeing Edward.

… Because he's dead, and as far as I can recall people don't just suddenly reappear in your lives once they're gone like that.

I had known this for so long, and yet I had always believed somehow that Edward was still here.

What I had never thought about was what my lingering on Edward did to everyone around me- it crushed them just as much as it did me to see my hopes come to nothing.

I'm a horrible, _horrible_ person.

Once we had arrived at Alice and Jaspers they sat me down on one of their sofa chairs, Alice was next to me with her arm around my shoulders comfortingly. Jasper sat opposite, perched on the edge of the coffee table, he looked deep in thought.

I felt so guilty… this wasn't fair on them either.

"What happened Bella?" Alice asked gently, brushing her fingers through my hair.

I shook my head, fighting the tears. "I don't want to talk about it, not yet" I whispered.

I expected her to argue, but instead she replied just as gently as before- "that's fine, if you ever want to tell me then I'll be here"

"Thank you" I breathed, leaning against her.

Thankfully, they didn't press for any more information. I would tell them at some point… just not now.

Eventually it turned into the evening, and then the night.

It was weird just how long the day had felt, almost like it would never end.

Alice and Jasper told me to stay in the guestroom, knowing I wasn't ready to go back home yet.

But hours passed as I lay in bed and accepted that sleep wasn't going to come. There was far too much on my mind now to even contemplate that.

So instead, ignoring my better judgement I decided to go out for a walk, knowing where I was heading.

The streets were dark, cold and empty. I felt a little frightened at every little noise I heard, the creaks and the slamming of doors, as I passed peoples houses. I wanted to turn back though I knew it was too late to back out from my decision now.

I made my way to the final spot I saw him alive- where I said goodbye to him just over three years ago.

There was nothing really to see, but I knew where I was standing was sacred. It was the last place he held me, kissed me and told me that he loved me.

Before I lost him.

I was wrong in believing I could move on… all this time that I thought things were going to get easier…

I was so wrong.

… Simply because it never has.

Why did I think that committing to another relationship was a good idea… when I knew that my heart would always belong to someone else?

I looked up towards the sky, seeing the stars high above me, wondering what it would like to be that high up…

That's it!

Finally after these long three years my decision has become clear.

I was going to join him, go back to him… once and for all. Just like I wondered about three years ago I would finally test- would I fly or fall?

I looked at the warehouse besides me, it was deserted, and three floors high… it was high enough.

Without looking back I ran inside, climbing up the hundreds of steps to make it to the top I felt the strain it caused on me- the pain it caused on my legs and the burn in my lungs.

None of that mattered though when I made it to the top, because I could see _everything. _

The whole city was so beautiful, everything around me was.

My outlook was dim, but my mind was clear and euphoric… I could be with him again.

I didn't wait long.

I soon crossed the distance to the edge, taking a step up. I knew that once I took the final step that would be it, I could see everything beneath me that looked so small from this height.

But I wasn't afraid.

I closed my eyes, as the gentle wind swayed around me.

I mentally prepared myself… I was ready. I had just one more thing to say- "Edward, I love you"

And then I reached my foot forward, ready to fall or to fly…

But some force pulled me backwards and I flew into something. I kept my eyes tightly closed, not wanting to see the ground drawing closer.

But after a few moments I realised I wasn't falling. I was cold though- lying on something, but I was alive. I was breathing the cold air, feeling my heart beating rapidly in my chest and the blood rushing through my veins.

And then my heart rate sped up even more, as a beautiful voice whispered to me, the lips at my ear- "Bella? Your safe, it's okay. Open your eyes…"

I did as the voice requested… and the sight in front of me stunned me to silence.

I was just inches away, within touching distance this time…

He was holding me; I could feel his arms around me keeping me against him. His newly golden eyes were locked with my own… they were beautiful.

He looked so different… and yet the same.

…I knew it, I knew he was alive! I knew it all along…

"Edward… its you…" I breathed.

* * *

**Next chapter preview:**

"Why didn't you come back before? I waited three years for you; I grieved for you _every single day_. Why didn't you come back before…?"

"Because I thought you were happy without me, I wanted you to be happy!"

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**Yayy! Haha :) I'm excited about the next chapter now. **

**Please please let me know what you think about this chapter... I'm desperate to know, this is the chapter I had in my mind since the beginning! I hope it was okay... Any chance we could get to 47/48 reviews? :) That would be amazing! Just as long as I hear some peoples thoughts I will update nonetheless though :)**

**Thanks for reading!**


	6. True love

**A/N- Hii, so thanks for the amazing reviews! Yay, we're up to 60! That's actually pretty darn cool. So thanks to Mombailey, tillyrose3, EmilieDeVere, randomreviewer, Smiles!Lol, Iheldyourhand, xXashxbeckiXx, lemon-fizzay-pop, vampiregirl1654, Haayleey (:, Jackie, Kimmy, CauldronCakeBaker, irishxrun75, call-it-golden, MissStrawberries, caww, safarise, fiona, aman and UnderservingSoul for your lovely reviews.**

**There was a mistake with the dates in the last chap, it's supposed to be 1945 not 1944.. so please just ignore that :) Thanks to randomreviewer for pointing that out!**

**So heres the latest chap! Admittedly this chapter is angsty, which is to be expected… but it's also romantic. I hope you all enjoy it.**

**Please, please review! :)**

* * *

**Thinking of you**

**Chapter six**

_Song for the chapter- (Natalie Merchant- My skin)_

_Oh, I need the darkness,  
The sweetness,  
The sadness,  
The weakness…  
Oh, I need this  
I need a lullaby,  
A kiss good night,  
Angel sweet love of my life,  
Oh, I need this…_

* * *

Previously…

_I was just inches away, within touching distance this time…_

_He was holding me; I could feel his arms around me keeping me against him. His newly golden eyes were locked with my own… they were beautiful._

_He looked so different… and yet the same._

…_I knew it, I knew he was alive! I knew it all along…_

"_Edward… its you…" I breathed._

* * *

**March 1945**

My heart was beating faster by the second- it almost felt as if it was going to burst out my chest at any second- it was almost painful it was beating so quick, and yet I _loved_ the feeling.

I hadn't felt this alive in so long; it had been far too long since my heart had raced this way, since I had been able to literally taste the air on my tongue, to breathe in the sweet scent that surrounded me… that was coming from him.

We lay in that position for an immeasurable amount of time, I was too stunned to talk or move and he seemed deep in thought. Our eyes never broke contact though, both staring into eachother due to the time we hadn't been able to do so.

Eventually I realised that one of us would have to move or speak, and that person would probably be me, after all it was me that just had the biggest shock out of us two after all.

And so, I slowly reached out my hand to his face- _just needing to double to check-_ to feel if he was really was real and that I wasn't dreaming or in heaven.

I softly ran my fingers down his cheek surprised to feel how cold his skin was, and how smooth it also felt- after becoming satisfied that he really was real I continued running my fingers over it. In response his eyes slowly closed, hiding the brilliant gold that they now were, instead allowing pure white lids to cover them.

He slowly sat up with his eyes still closed tight; soon he had us in a sitting position, me on his lap facing him. He had one arm around my waist securing me, to stop me from falling.

I'm certain that the situation that he really was alive after all this time hadn't really sunk in yet, if it had I'm sure I would have either of been screaming for joy or fainting from shock.

I think that my mind was numb with surprise, that it seemed to accept this truth that he really was alive so easily.

… As if I really had known all along that he wasn't dead. I had always believed it deep down, but now it was coming clear that maybe I was more certain then I previously thought.

And so back to the moment… I couldn't keep my eyes off him. Slowly his own eyes opened, I was surprised to see that they were not the topaz from before… they were much darker and were much nearer black then gold. I must have been staring at him with a confused expression because after he looked at me he kept his eyes downward.

He was magnificent… I always did love his emerald eyes, but the topaz was also just as mesmerising. However I just didn't understand how they had changed colour though, first from green to gold, and now from gold to black.

Despite my raging curiosity I decided not to ask him yet, deciding to let that go for now.

"Edward…?" I whispered my voice barely a whisper in the soft wind.

He looked up at me, his dark eyes boring into my own, signalling he was listening.

Although I was certain that I couldn't cry anymore… it happened, as tears fell. However they were only cool tears that signalled pure happiness, I didn't know why I was crying because of that reason… I just assumed that my emotions were haywire and affecting me greatly.

I slowly leant forward and rested my head on his shoulder; "I missed you so much" I breathed against his shoulder.

I had spoken so quietly that I didn't think he would be able to hear, but somehow he did. He relaxed from his stiff posture and held me tighter then before, one of his hands now fisting my hair.

"You can't even begin to imagine how much I missed you" he finally whispered.

I was about to reply with, _'I think I can'_ but I thought better and instead kept quiet, relaxing in his hold.

I knew that soon I would have to ask him questions, they were inevitable.

Questions such as-

…_Where has he been all this time?_

_What happened to him, what is he?_

_What about our relationship now, can we ever be what we were? _

_Does he still love me and want to be with me?_

_Why did it take three years for him to come back?!_

… I knew I was going to ask those questions, I wanted- no I _needed_ answers.

But for now, I was living in the moment just feeling utterly elated, in wonder, joyful… I was feeling every word that equalled 'happy' in the dictionary. I felt so whole again, as if I had never been broken apart, or never felt the pain and heartache I had experienced.

I knew there would be time for talking and explanations, I wouldn't let him leave until I had my answers, besides he might have some questions of his own.

That was when it hit me.

_What was I going to tell him about Jacob?!?_

_Could I tell him I had tried to move on, and that someone else cared about me?_

Unless… could it be possible? … But did Edward know about Jacob somehow?!

After all, before I attempted to jump he must have known what I was planning… because he had managed to be in the right place at the right time. …And if all the times I had seen him on the street were real then surely he must have noticed Jacob with me at some point?

"Why Bella?" Edward eventually whispered, breaking the silence, his voice sounded pained.

I froze for a second, was his question referring to Jacob? Was he asking why I had tried to move on?

_No… he couldn't ask that now, he wouldn't know, he wouldn't…_

I tried to relax, and allowed my facial expression to change into confusion. I looked up at him only to see his expression tortured, "why what?" I murmured in response.

He sighed; breathing deeply- _was that the first time he had done that?_ _I hadn't been paying attention to that…_ - "why… were you going to jump?" he finally replied.

Oh… that's what he meant.

That did make more sense, I was slightly relieved… even though I didn't know what to say.

And so I didn't reply, and just buried my face deeper into his shoulder.

He continued talking- "I don't understand it… you _promised _that you would be happy and that you would live your life if I didn't come back, so why were you trying to end it now?" he asked quietly.

Again I was stuck for words.

"I-I… it's because… I tried to be happy, truly I did" I murmured, "But I just couldn't"

He continued as if he hadn't heard me talk- "I thought you would be doing okay, it's been such a long time…" he seemed to be talking more to himself then to me.

I tried to maintain eye contact again, when I was certain he was listening I continued talking- "I know it has… but I just couldn't forget you, I never could Edward, I love you too much"

He sighed and bent his head down so he wasn't looking at me.

And then he began talking- "when I saw you leave your house tonight I didn't think anything of it, I thought to myself 'she probably just wants some fresh air' … I thought it would be okay. But I couldn't stop that nagging feeling in the back of my mind. It was a warning feeling…" he explained, still not looking at me. "I kept a reasonable distance, just in case you needed my help, and I thought you were fine. But then I saw you walk in here and straight up the stairs to the top and suddenly I understood what you were going to do…" he murmured, looking at me the entire time.

"It was then that it hit me- you are not happy. I always thought you were so I kept my distance… but after seeing what I saw earlier, I realised just how unhealthy this thing is"

What did he mean by that?!

"… Unhealthy?" I croaked out in surprise.

"Yes… Bella, it's unhealthy. After all you were going to _kill_ yourself over me, I heard what you said just as you prepared to jump… it's just… not right, you shouldn't die over someone like me, I'm not worth it" he whispered.

How could he say that?

"You _are_ worth it" I argued instantly, my voice determined.

He shook his head; "I'm not," he said brokenly.

I do not know whether it was just the mix of feelings or emotions from such a long day, but hearing him doubt himself made me snap.

I leant back from him as far as I could; I would have fallen off his lap if it weren't for his arm around my waist still balancing me.

"What's happened to you Edward?" I whispered, my voice coming out horrified.

I was referring to the obvious changes I was seeing- his appearance and his personality. He looked different, and he wasn't the happy, loveable Edward that I knew.

…Something had changed him.

Even though I had only been with him again for a mere few minutes, I could see the differences as clear as day, they were too noticeable.

He didn't answer my question.

I climbed off of his lap, slipping out from his grasp as much as it pained me to do so, and to my dismay he let me go without a fight, not even looking at me.

The possible reality of what that meant began to crush me.

"Do you not love me anymore?" I asked him quietly, waiting for his reaction.

In a flash he was standing in front of me having crossed the distance in a split second- in an action that was far too fast and with impossible speed. I judged his expression, he looked surprised and angry.

"How can you even ask that?" he whispered, his voice low and his jaw clenched.

"Because… y-you waited so long to come back" I stuttered, my emotions getting the better of me.

"What?" he asked, seeming surprised at my comment, he took a large step away from me.

It was a metaphor- the distance between us that had existed for so long had been closed and then increased again after such a bittersweet and short reunion.

It hurt.

This was not how I imagined our reunion in all those nights I had dreamed of him, I always imagined he would just hold me and tell me how much he loved me… not that I would be questioning if he loved or cared for me at all.

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair, suddenly noticing just how cold it was, I ached to just be in his arms again.

But yet despite my instincts telling me not to, I continued talking, spilling out all of my feelings to him-

"It was _three years_ that you were gone Edward- you've been alive all that time!" I clarified, my voice coming out loud. He nodded in response, waiting for me to continue- "so why didn't you come back before? I waited those three years for you; I grieved for every single day. There wasn't a single day I didn't feel the pain of losing you, or wish that you were still here with me." – my voice had grown even more louder by this point- "why didn't you come back before? It must mean something if you really wanted to be away from me so badly…"

That set him off- "But I didn't want to be apart from you! …I thought you were happy without me, all I wanted was for you to be happy!" he suddenly yelled, cutting me off.

His words echoed in the night time air seeming loud and menacing, and confusing. Finally they sunk in and I understood exactly what he was saying.

He thought I could be happy without him…

"You don't know me very well then" I finally murmured, "I couldn't ever live without you… not a good life anyway, not one that meant anything"

"But please understand this, I thought that you could, I thought that time would heal the wounds…" he paused quickly, seeming to debate internally- "I'm so stupid, I know that now…" he explained, covering his beautiful face with his hands. "I'm not good enough for you"

"That's not true" I defended fiercely, if anything it was the other way around.

"It _is_ Bella..." he whispered, his voice devastated, "don't you see? I've changed; I've become a monster Bella… I don't deserve you"

"Stop saying that!" I begged him, trying to plead with my eyes.

He didn't seem to notice, he continued agonising over his thoughts- "But, Bella I've become…"

"STOP!" I screamed cutting him off.

He instantly stopped talking and only looked in my direction, his eyes lingering on the distance between us.

"… Forget about your self-loathing thoughts and just answer me this, now." I said fiercely, "… do you still love me or not?" I whispered.

I knew I was taking a big risk with asking him this- it was giving him a chance to leave me again, a perfect opportunity.

I didn't care though… if he left me now I knew exactly what I would do; I wouldn't even hesitate. I was already on the roof 60 feet high, there wouldn't be any travelling or any planning involved, I could finish it all in a mere second.

Even though I knew I was taking a terrible risk… I just needed to know the truth- did he love me after all this time?

If he didn't then what was the point of us fighting, trying to heal the distance? There was none… There wouldn't be any point.

I finally looked up from the ground and looked at his face, it was much softer then before and less harsh. His eyes had gone back to the beautiful topaz I instantly loved, removing the frightening onyx.

And finally after what felt like the longest ever wait- when in reality it was only a few seconds- he replied-

"I do love you Bella… I have always loved you and I always will" he whispered sincerely.

In a split second my eyes felt with tears of joy again and my heart rate increased.

I closed the distance in just a second, running straight into his open arms, sobbing loudly.

"Then p-please stop saying your not good enough for me!" I begged him, the tears falling mercilessly, "You're here and you're alive, and you still love me and that'll always be more then enough"

"Oh my Bella… I love you, I love you so much" He murmured, his face in my hair, "I'll explain everything in time I promise… Firstly can I say just how much it hurt being away from you every day, I saw your face in my mind every second. I imagined your voice and remembered how beautiful and wonderful you were... you were all I thought about"

I smiled blissfully, the argument and the angst forgotten. This was just like my dreams I'd had for these few years… he was here, he was holding me, and he was whispering how much he loved me.

Was it real? Could something so wonderful really happen to me?!

"Am I dreaming?" I whispered quietly, as he rocked us gently.

He laughed softly, "I can assure you that you're not, unless if I'm dreaming as well and we're both having the same dream"

I laughed quietly through my tears, "that's not likely then…"

He nodded against my hair, "probably not"

He arms tightened around me and I found myself relaxing even further into his embrace, I still cried quietly, now whimpering against his chest.

"Shh, shh love, please don't cry" he whispered, kissing my cheek softly, still rocking me from side to side.

I relaxed even more in his hold, and finally managed to end the tears. He didn't let go of me though, and instead held me even tighter, now having his arms completely encasing me.

I looked up at the sky, smiling at how bright the stars were. It was soothing, and incredible.

I knew we had a lot of problems to face, first of all being Jacob, and my friends and family.

But none of that mattered now, because he was here.

I had my Edward, my love, back.

"We'll be okay right?" I asked him quietly, smiling against the fabric of his jacket.

He nodded, "we'll be more then that, Bella" he whispered soothingly.

I smiled and then stayed silent just enjoying his embrace. But then I noticed something… it sounded difficult for him to talk… his chest wasn't moving… I couldn't feel his breaths move in and out…

I looked up at him, and I knew that the reason why he was away was something so much more then just keeping distance, wanting me to move on.

His eyes had changed colour, his skin was so cold, he wasn't breathing, and I didn't think he even had a heartbeat.

…Was he even human anymore?

I knew I would love him no matter what he told me, no matter what he was, but I needed to know…

"Edward?" I whispered,

He rested his lips against my forehead, still not breathing, "hmm?" he murmured quietly.

I knew how bizarre my question must have sounded, but it was the only way I could think to word it. I took a deep breath and then finally asked-

"How are you not breathing right now?"

* * *

**Next chapter preview:**

"Edward, please don't leave me! Please… not again!"

_(This is only short, but I didn't know what else to put without making it over-spoilerish)_

* * *

**So yeah I originally planned for this chapter to include Edward telling her exactly what happened, but then I realised when I began writing that I couldn't fit it into one chapter. Well I could… but it would be about 7,000 words and I just don't have the time to write it all tonight :/ The second part to this chapter will be done very soon though! Hopefully by Sunday/Monday ish time depending on if people want to read it or not.**

**Please review for a quick update!** **The reviews really have been so incredible, and this is another chapter I'm nervous about, I hope I did it justice. Besides… any chance we can reach 75/76 reviews or something like that? I would be so, so grateful!**

**Thanks for reading!**


	7. Painful truth

**A/N- Hii, thanks to everyone who reviewed again! The reviews were lovely, and yay(!) we reached the target! So thanks to- _Haayleyy (:, since1918, vampiregirl1654, bat'cha, twilightseries4life, twilightfan27, Mombailey, ash pash.x, Rolange, caww, edwardandbella4everxoxo, lionlambluv, aman, twilightlovergirl, Always-Here-Imani, call-it-golden, the doll tales., mysoundlesssilentscream, lemon-fizzay-pop, fiona, Isabella and safarise_ for reviewing! It's so appreciated!**

**Special thanks to all those who have remained loyal to this story, you know who you all are! :) x**

**This chapter is basically the second part of the last chapter, so the setting is still the warehouse late at night. In the next chapter time will move on again, and some big decisions will be made, but this chapter is about finding out the truth again. This chapter also shows how Bella's a bit unstable and insecure about everything. Which I've tried to include simply because I know she wouldn't just be 'normal' after three years thinking Edward's dead… would anyone if they were ever in that situation though? I hope it's okay.**

**Please review, can we possibly reach 100? That would be quite an achievement, I would be amazed? So, pretty please?! :))**

* * *

**Thinking of you**

**Chapter seven**

_Song for the chapter- (Fallen- Sarah McLachlan)_

'_We all begin with good intent, when love was raw and young, _

_We believed that we could change ourselves, the past can be undone. _

_But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals, _

_In the lonely light of morning, the wound that would not heal, _

_It's the bitter taste of losing everything I have held so dear… _

_Though I've tried, I've fallen I have sunk so low, _

_I have messed up, better I should know. _

_So don't come round here, and tell me I told you so…'_

* * *

_Previously…_

_He rested his lips against my forehead, still not breathing, "hmm?" he murmured quietly._

_I knew how bizarre my question must have sounded, but it was the only way I could think to word it. I took a deep breath and then finally asked-_

"_How are you not breathing right now?"_

* * *

**March 1945**

After I asked my question everything seemed so silent for the longest time. The atmosphere had shifted and it now felt tense and uncomfortable as compared to soothing before. I shivered noticing the cold again, and instantly snuggled closer to Edward- only to find that he was colder then the night air, and that he only made me feel colder.

He didn't say anything for a long while, judging by the expression on his face he was clearly considering his options, and whether to tell me the truth or not- and what way to word it.

"Wh-what are you talking about Bella?" he eventually replied smiling slightly- though it was clearly forced.

"You… you weren't breathing," I stated, not wanting or accepting his hesitation, I _needed_ to know the truth- "How is that possible…?" I urged him on, looking up at him.

He closed his eyes tightly and then leant his forehead against my own; his arms were still wound tightly around me and were previously swaying us from side to side, but now they just lay still around me.

"I told you I would tell the truth Bella," he said quietly, his sweet cold breath sweeping across my face. "…But do I really have to now? There's plenty of time for that…"

"Edward" - I cut him off, my voice sounded impatient and was almost bordering on rude - "please just tell me now, I need to know," I said quietly, toning my voice down.

He leant back from me slightly so he could look me in the eye; I kept my gaze even and determined. Although they seemed hard and frozen at first his golden eyes eventually became softer and he sighed again, defeated.

"Okay" he agreed, "I'll explain it from the beginning, before any of… _this…_ happened" he explained gesturing to himself and his eyes.

"Thank you" I breathed, leaning against him again.

He breathed in for the first time in a long while, it sounded shaky and unsteady, he must have been mentally preparing himself.

"…It was March the 7th that it happened" he began explaining, his voice low, "all was fine, I of course missed you insanely, and the strain of the war was getting to me and all the other men. We were all tired and worn and missed home, but apart from that there was nothing amiss, we thought we would have a day without fighting where we could just rest" he explained, pausing for a brief moment before continuing-

"However half way through the day we got word that an attack was coming, we all rushed to prepare to fight them, collecting our weapons and gathering everyone together. Once we had done that we made our way back on to the fields"

"We were all lined and prepared however once the shots were beginning to fire I realised that in the rush though I had forgotten to put my protective suit on… I didn't realise until I was hit," he said sadly, flinching as he spoke the final word.

"Your friend Jasper told me what happened, you were shot weren't you?" I whispered softly, tears already forming in my eyes just imagining the horror that Edward had to endure.

"You know Jasper?" Edward asked, he looked surprised as he lifted his head to look at me again.

I nodded, "He returned from the war shortly after what happened to you. Actually come to think of it he and Alice recently married… he told me that he knew you, and what happened"

"Oh…" – he still seemed surprised- "well, it's a small world isn't it?"

"It is" I agreed, lying my head on his shoulder. It was silent for a long time, and I realised he wasn't intending on resuming his story- "please continue for me," I begged him quietly, urging him on again.

He nodded, pressing his cheek against mine. "… Jasper was right about what happened to me" he said quietly, his breath cold against my cheek. "I was shot, and I was unnoticed for a while until the attack passed by. It was Jasper who found me, but by that point I was… _numb_. I could feel the life drawing away from me, but I held on- I didn't want to die, all I could think was 'I can't leave Bella', but I couldn't fight it" he explained softly. "… And that's when it happened"

He was shaking by this point clearly remembering and reliving everything. I pulled myself even closer to him then before, trying to calm him down slightly.

He didn't speak after that- he didn't even look at me; he just kept his eyes tightly closed.

"Edward… it's okay," I said quietly, resting my hand on his cheek.

"It's not Bella…" he whispered quietly, "Nothing's okay… I'm not what I was"

I didn't understand what he meant at all. _What was he?!_

_What was he talking about?_

"Please just tell me" I pleaded with him desperately.

"… You'll hate me" he whispered, not looking at me.

"H-hate you?" I gasped feeling completely surprised, "Edward… that's not even possible" I insisted, knowing it was completely true.

"I'm a _monster_" he murmured, now looking down from me again.

"A monster?!" I gasped, "Edward that's not true…"

He cut me off again- "It is," he said bitterly.

And after that he gently withdrew his arms from around me, but then walked away. He turned his back on me and walked towards the edge of the building, whilst I stood in the middle.

"Edward? What are you doing…?" I asked in a panic, following him hurriedly.

"I'll only ruin your life…" he murmured to himself, not really answering my question.

He walked right towards the edge and sat on it leaving his legs dangling over, he looked downwards at the city below us, his expression heartbroken and torn.

_Was he going to jump? _

_Was he going to leave me?_

"Don't go" I whispered, "please" I begged him, reaching my hand towards him.

He leant away from me and looked even further over the edge, that simple action was enough to cause me to react. It seemed like everything around was spinning and I was numb to all that was around me.

I knew I was possibly overreacting, but this whole situation felt like some other memory that was so familiar to me, it felt like the pain that I had experienced before.

…It reminded me of the heartache I endured three years ago- … '"_He's dead?!'"_

'"_What am I going to do?"_

"_I-I can't live without him, I can't!"…_

No matter what, I just couldn't face that again.

And so as the tears made their way down my cheeks I pleaded- "Edward! Please don't leave me! Please… not again!" I yelled into the cold air.

At the sound of my pleas, he turned around from his position on the edge, his eyes widening as he saw me and noticed the devastated state that I was currently in.

"Bella…?" he whispered, alarmed, he stood up from his sitting position and then took one slow step towards me.

I was still hysterical and completely caught up in my own blind panic- "I-I can't lose you… please, _please _don't go" I begged him, barely noticing that he was approaching me until he was standing directly opposite.

He lifted up his hands and gently cradled my face; his own eyes looked alarmed- completely shocked and stunned by my outburst.

"I'm not going anywhere Bella," he said softly, brushing his thumbs across my cheeks.

I was trying to calm myself down, I placed my hands over his which were still holding my face gently.

I stuttered while speaking- "But- I thought that you…"

He cut me off by shaking his head, "I will never leave you again Bella, I promise I'll be with you forever, unless if you ask me to go…"

This time I cut him off- "That will never happen" I argued with him, my voice now stronger then before.

He smiled widely at that, "I love you," he said softly, leaning forward to kiss away the last of my tears.

"Do you still want me to continue?" he asked quietly against my skin.

I nodded, leaning against his shoulder again. He wrapped his arms around my waist loosely, and one of his hands rubbed my back softly.

"… As well as meeting Jasper while as war there was another friend I had, his name was Dr. Carlisle Cullen, he was there helped the wounded alongside his wife Esme who was a nurse."

I was confused as to where this part of the story was heading, but I didn't say anything.

"They were both wonderful people, I never noticed that there was anything different. But when I was shot Carlisle just happened to be around… I could hear him talking, pronouncing to everyone that I was dead. At the time I was confused- I knew I was still alive, though barely, and I didn't understand why he was lying to everyone"

"But then he carried me away from everyone, and he told me that he could save me. He told me it involved changing and a horrible amount of pain, but that the end result would mean that I would still be 'alive'. He seemed to accept it was what I wanted, and then he made the change… he made me like them"

The way he worded it made it sounds like a horror story, but surely it couldn't be? He was here, and perfect and alive, horrors only equal evil creatures, and pain and darkness.

I swallowed loudly, "And what does being 'like them' mean?" I asked him quietly.

He closed his eyes once more, his expression more pained then I had ever seen- "It means that I'm… I'm a…" he stuttered, unable to speak the words.

"Tell me Edward, it's okay," I said soothingly, just giving him that final push.

He froze for a moment, before nodding, he stuttered again as he finally spoke- "Bella… he made me… I'm a _vampire_."

_Vampire._

I gasped loudly, the sound echoing in the distance. My heart rate rose again as my breath came in quick gasps- it was a instant reaction, to a word I will admit I was afraid of.

"I'm sorry Bella" he whispered against my hair, his voice was so broken he sounded like he was crying.

_Was that possible?_

"W-why are you sorry?" I asked against his chest, my voice shaking slightly. "You didn't choose this" I murmured.

"Well… no…" he agreed, "but I'm still a monster"

I shook my head against his chest, trying to tell him he wasn't, I wanted to find the words to tell him to stop calling himself that, he was Edward he was… everything, wonderful, beautiful, brave and loving… I doubt that he had any evil in him at all.

However as I considered everything, at the same time my mind was doing cartwheels.

_What if… he had changed? What if he was a monster?!_

I tried to think of the little I knew about vampires, however all I could think about was the novel _Dracula _which I had read about five years ago.

I remembered the horror tales of how _Dracula_ murdered people at night, and how he had drunk them dry and left them cold.

Although almost everything in me told me that Edward wouldn't be like that, the back of my mind kept asking me- _could he? _

One thing I knew about vampires was their diet, and that there was one thing they couldn't cope without. Unfortunately getting this, meant killing people along the way…

_Had Edward killed people?!_

"How many?" I whispered, pulling away from him slightly.

He still had his face pressed against my hair- "How many what?" he asked quietly.

I tried not to relax too much in his gentle hold- "How many… people… have you killed?" I asked reluctantly.

He froze again for a moment, before resuming his soothing action of rubbing my back. "No one" he replied calmly.

"No one…?" I asked in shock, "But how do you…?"

He pulled away from me, so we were now standing face to face, he kept his arms around my waist though, keeping me close to him.

His eyes were wide and serious as he spoke- "I do drink blood Bella, but only animals," he insisted, "I've never tried a humans blood before… although that is very difficult sometimes. After all only drinking from animals means going against my natural instinct, but I couldn't bare the thought of ever killing anyone" he said gently, his voice and expression sincere.

… _Now he sounded like the wonderful, selfless Edward I loved. _

"I-is that why you stayed away for so long, because you needed to be away from humans?" I asked quietly.

"Yes" he said "I found it very… _difficult_ to adjust to this lifestyle, it was a year before I could even bear to be around a human, even then it felt near on impossible." He explained quietly.

One question bubbled in my throat, I didn't even realise I had said it until U heard it out loud- "Why did you come back?"

He didn't even seem surprised at my question, "…I was always going to come back, I said I would" he said softly, smiling at me, "Last October, Carlisle, Esme and I left France and came back to America. They bought a house in the state of Washington and I went with them, but then when I realised just how close you were… I went insane, I couldn't stay and watch Carlisle and Esme look so in love when I knew that my love was still in Chicago" he said gently, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Last December I told them I was leaving for a while- I didn't tell them where I was heading, just that I had something to do. I made my way here and soon discovered you were still living in our house, I saw you working, and talking with your friends… you looked so _happy_… I didn't want to ruin it" he said sadly, his expression guilty.

I wanted that guilt to disappear; he was the one who made me happy, why should he feel guilty for coming back?

"I wasn't happy Edward" I sighed, looking downward, "It was _always _an act"

"I know that now" he sighed, pulling me closer to him, "but I genuinely thought you were. I saw you agreeing to be with that Jacob person, and I thought you had moved on." – his voice sounded so heartbroken- "But still I wanted to be sure. And so I decided to stay a while, just watching you from a distance in case you ever needed me" he explained quietly.

"I was prepared to go, to leave you to your life, I packed all this afternoon and called Carlisle to tell him I was coming back. Needless to say him and Esme were thrilled, but I was unsettled- I felt like I needed to come and see you just one last time. But as I was on my way to your house I saw you heading here…" he paused for a second, his eyes now focused on the edge of the building. "I didn't know what to think until you made your way to the top, I planned to stop you and run- you would never know I was here – but I needed to be quick"

"And then…" he closed his eyes slowly, "you said you loved me as you prepared to jump, and I realised that _I_ was the reason for it. You had never stopped loving me, and then... everything's changed" he said softly, opening his eyes to look back at me, his beautiful golden eyes meeting my brown ones.

My heart was racing and my mind was whirling at his explanation, it was incredible to finally understand the truth.

However I couldn't help but think one thing, and that was he really was too selfless – _and stupid_ – to think I was or could ever happy without him.

…That wasn't even a possibility.

"Are you ever going to go back to Carlisle?" I asked quietly,

"I don't know," he admitted, "It probably won't be for a while though, I'm not leaving you again" he said softly, brushing his fingers along my cheek.

"…Couldn't I go with you?" I asked him quietly, smiling the best I could.

He didn't seem to like that idea for some reason, but his voice was still gentle as he replied- "Perhaps someday…" he nodded, "just not yet though"

I nodded biting my lip, showing him that accepting his answer… for now.

The distance between us was far too wide, and so I slowly took the final step towards him, closing the distance yet again. I wrapped my arms around his neck, while he instantly wrapped his around my back; he ran his fingers through my hair as he hummed quietly.

"I still have more questions you know" I said, trying to make my voice light, "… but for now let's leave everything the way it is"

He was silent for a moment, "You're not afraid of me then?" he asked hesitantly.

I waited a couple of seconds before replying, glad that my voice was strong- "Not of you" I said sincerely, "I'm only afraid of losing you"

I felt him smile against my cheek, "That'll _never_ happen, I promise" he whispered gently.

"_I love you_"

* * *

**Next chapter preview:**

"Bella, where on earth have you been?! I've been worried sick!"

* * *

**Gah, hope this chapter was okay :/ Just to assure- Everything else will be explained, I haven't forgotten about his power, his bloodlust for Bella or about Jacob/Alice and everyone else, or anything like that! It's just going to take a little while for everything to be answered, I just thought it would be too crammed in for him to tell her everything. It won't be long until he does though, I'm predicting there will only be about 5/6 more chapters plus an epilogue, so there won't be much waiting around!**

**Please review- because you have all been so amazing so far, why end that?! **

**Thanks for reading :)**


	8. You're beautiful

**Hii, sorry for the slow update! But here it is.. stories back! Thank you so much to- _JenniCullen, caww, Twilightlovergirl, lionlambluv, since1918, Randomreviewer, aman, vampiregirl1654, alyshia-jean, d, mysoundlesssilentscream, vikkisecret42, Vampire., Bby-Leyla-Vamp, miisANGEL, twilightfan27, xoBEDWARDox, TwiHoster95, Vanpiress123_- for reviewing!! It's really appreciated as usual, thank you!**

**So, there isn't long left of this story, maybe 5 chapters at most?! Plus an epilogue? But yeah, there won't be a very long wait until this is all done.. though I swear I'll be really sad when this is done, I really love writing this one, probably the most. There's just something about angst that I love writing… weirdo huh? **

**Although… this chapter is quite happy as far as this story goes, a bit more Edward and Bella fluff before the drama begins! This chapter is also by far the longest; it isn't far off being 5,000 words long… which is a long chapter for me considering my average is ¾ thousand. Hopefully the length will help with forgiving me for the wait...? **

**The next update will be very soon, I have a lot of time free over the next couple of weeks so it should be done quickly. **

**You know the drill… please review!**

* * *

**Thinking of you **

**Chapter eight**

_Song for the chapter- Tender by Feeder_

_Faith, new roads to take together, _

_Days lying awake, remember… _

_I'm letting you know, __Cleansing my soul _

_Been letting you know, __For days… _

_Turn over everything, __Time can heal us again _

_I'm tender in your arms… _

_Reaching inside of me, __Bringing the love I need _

_The loneliness has gone._

* * *

_Previously…_

_"I still have more questions you know" I said, trying to make my voice light, "… but for now let's leave everything the way it is"_

_He was silent for a moment, "You're not afraid of me then?" he asked hesitantly._

_I waited a couple of seconds before replying, glad that my voice was strong- "Not of you" I said sincerely, "I'm only afraid of losing you"_

_I felt him smile against my cheek, "That'll never happen, I promise" he whispered gently._

_"I love you"_

* * *

**March 1945**

We both remained in our comfortable positions for what only felt like a few minutes, but was most certainly hours instead.

We had moved so I was still cradled in his arms, but sitting on his lap instead. I currently had my eyes closed and my head resting against his chest, just breathing in his beautiful, sweet scent. A scent so unique, that I was certain only he could have it.

I must have drifted off to sleep a couple of times over the night, I noticed this because one moment I would be looking at Edward as he smiled softly down at me, and then I would suddenly find myself waking up to hear his soft voice humming to me.

I never wanted to move. I was completely content and I felt safe and loved here up on this roof, with the city and all that I had known these past few years below me.

Edward and I didn't talk much; we only had casual short conversations every now and then, nothing was of major importance, I avoided the current issues surrounding us just for those couple of hours.

Although, I loved how Edward kept whispering how much he loved me and had missed me against my cheek as I drifted in and out of sleep, which certainly was calming.

I had missed his soothing touch and words too much.

Really, there were so many things that I had missed. It's still and would always be a mystery just how I had managed to survive so long without him.

Because even though he'd only been back a very short amount of time – just mere hours - the thought of losing him again sounded impossible.

He was my life and my soulmate, and I couldn't lose him again.

…I knew I couldn't live if my soul were gone, and he was just that.

I know I should have probably reacted differently about his confession… most people would have probably run away screaming, or stood there and begged him to spare their life of something… but not me.

And why did I react calmly? It's simple- I knew he was still my Edward.

Some of him had changed, his eyes are one example, however I've noticed that despite them being a different colour that they still held that gentleness and love that they always had.

He was still Edward- he was still the intense, interesting, loving man I had fallen in love with, and he would always be.

And I knew it wasn't his choice to become this. He did what he could to still be a good person.

Besides… even if he _did_ kill people, I knew I would still love him.

I would love him no matter what, vampire or no vampire. Just as long as he wants me in his life I will be there and will accept whatever he tells me, because that's just the way I feel.

I love him too much to let something like this come between us, especially after such a long time apart.

Besides, I know I'm not in any immediate danger, it's not like he wants to drink my blood… right?

I must have drifted off to sleep with my thoughts yet again, because when I finally opened my eyes again I noticed that the air was slightly warmer, and that the sky was becoming a lighter blue. It must have been early in the morning by this point.

And so, no longer the night.

I closed my eyes again, relaxing.

"Bella?" Edward whispered to me gently.

I ignored him, but smiled as I snuggled against his chest… maybe if I didn't move much he would believe I was still asleep...

He was silent for a moment, and then repeated himself, "Bellaaaaa…?" he whispered, leaning down so his lips were right by my ear.

"Hmm…?" I murmured, still not opening my eyes.

If possible he pulled me even tighter to him, "As comfortable as this is, we really need to move now" he sighed sadly.

"Why?" I groaned, not wanting to move from my spot.

I opened my eyes and followed his gaze to see the Chicago skyline, which was still submerged under darkness.

He let out a soft breath against my ear, "Because it's nearly sunrise and…" he cut off his explanation.

I looked up at him, "and what?"

"I… I can't go down on to the streets when the sun is out"

Despite his bizarre comment, I smiled- "Why not? Afraid the sun will burn you?" I teased, before pausing in my comment internally wondering if what I said was actually true. After all, the Vampire myths say that they do burn in the sun…

He laughed quietly at my comment, pressing his face into my hair, "Silly Bella…" he murmured, "no, I won't burn or catch fire… but I can't go out in front of people, at least not in direct sunlight"

"Why not?" I asked, still puzzled.

He sighed, before turning to me with a gentle smile on his face. I smiled back, finding myself unable to not smile at him.

Without any more words he gently lifted me off his lap and stood up, holding his hands out to help me up.

When we were standing and facing eachother, I saw that he was still smiling softly at me as he whispered, "Come with me and I'll show you"

***~*~***

I didn't hesitate to say yes to going with Edward, I knew I would do anything for him, which including going wherever he wanted to which I needed to do in this situation.

We walked quickly through the streets of Chicago, heading towards the outskirts of the city where I lived. I didn't ask where we were going, and I didn't know what to expect from it either.

As we walked hand in hand, I secretly hoped that no one would see us- I wasn't ready to face the real world just yet.

Because as selfish as I sounded, all I wanted to keep it this way, just for a little longer… just Edward and Bella, me and him… us two only.

From the way Edward kept glancing around us nervously, I imagined that he felt the same, either that or he was afraid of anyone seeing him especially because he's still believed to be dead.

Wait…

My thoughts completely altered as something hit me.

Would Edward still let his family still believe that he was dead…?

We were now in the woods near our old home, and I noticed how he visibly relaxed knowing he was away from sight.

Which was another factor that led to the question that I desperately needed to ask.

"Edward…?" I whispered quietly.

"Yes?" he replied, seeming distracted as he gently wrapped his arm around my waist and lifted me over a fallen tree branch.

I paused for a moment, carefully choosing my words before I spoke- "…What's going to happen after today?" I whispered shakily.

After hearing my unsure words, Edward stopped in his steps and whirled round to face me, instantly dropping my hand in the process.

We were now deeper in the woods, and so we were completely hidden from sight… not that there was anyone about this early to see us anyway.

He was clearly trying to mask it with some other emotion, but I could see anger on his face, "What do you mean by that Bella?" he asked slowly.

Once again I chose my words carefully, "What I mean is… are you going to tell everyone? Like Emmett for example? Or your parents?" I asked quietly, wringing my hands together.

His expression was flat and void of emotion, "tell them what exactly?" he asked warily.

I flinched slightly at his tone, "That… you're alive maybe?" I replied softly.

He sighed, and turned away from me though I could tell he wasn't angry anymore, instead looked sad and defeated- "I can't" he whispered.

I hated seeing his expression so heartbroken.

"Why not?" I whispered softly, trying to urge him on, I knew how much his family meant to him- "they'll understand your reasons… they'll just be so happy to see you, just like I am…"

He cut me off at that point, though when he spoke his voice was gentle- "It's not that simple Bella"

"It sounds pretty simple to me" I argued.

He groaned loudly, "you don't understand" he murmured more to himself then me.

"What don't I understand? Explain it to me Edward, please…" I begged him.

At that he looked at me and his expression became even softer then before. "It's not because I'm afraid of their reactions Bella… I can handle whatever happens, I would be able to accept it if they resented me... The only persons reaction I cared about was yours" he explained quietly, lifting his hand to gently rest on my cheek.

I smiled softly at his action, "then what's the problem?" I whispered.

He closed his eyes, but leant closer to me; his hand was still resting on my cheek

He struggled with his words- "It's just… humans are not supposed to know about vampires… we have to try to hide our existence out of fear of what will happen to us." He began to explain.

"Your family wouldn't do anything to you" I insisted.

He nodded; knowing what I said was true. He didn't and would never doubt his family.

"I know" he murmured, "but you see telling them would mean telling what the _others_ consider too many people… they wouldn't accept it, they may try and do something to ensure that the secret doesn't get spread anymore" he explained.

I tried to digest what he was saying, but I was having difficulties.

I was nervous when I spoke next; maybe it was because I was afraid of the answer- "Are these 'others' fine with me knowing?"

He had one of his arms loosely around me by this point; the other hand was stroking my hair gently, in a soothing motion.

"No… they just don't know that you know," he admitted, smiling at me.

…I knew Edward wouldn't be so relaxed if what he said was a bad thing, so I tried to calm myself down as well.

I smiled at him; "okay that sounds a little confusing" I teased.

He smiled back at me, "I know" he murmured, kissing me on the forehead softly. "But I'll explain it more some other time"

"You keep saying that" I accused him.

He shrugged, "I know, but I do mean it" he insisted, "but for now, can this just be about us?" he asked, gesturing to each of us.

I nodded, and reached my hand out to him again. "Of course" I replied softly.

He smiled at me again, before his expression turned slightly mischievous.

"What…?" I asked warily, as I saw the smile creep up on his face.

He let go of my waist, and wordlessly turned so his back was facing me.

"Climb on" he said, gesturing to his back.

"Surely you're not serious…?" I asked him incredulously, holding my hands out in front of me.

"I am one hundred percent serious" he insisted, turning to look at me quickly, "now come on, it's not long until the sun will be out and I want to get us somewhere on time"

I sighed, "I can't believe I'm doing this…" I muttered to myself as I walked up to him.

I could see his smile stretched across his face as he helped me up which made me feel a little better about this, however once I was in position I wrapped my arms around his neck as tight as I could, to stop myself from falling.

"Care to tell me what the point of this is?" I murmured into his neck.

"Well you wanted to know what being a vampire includes right?" he asked.

I still had my face pressed into his neck, I knew he would feel it when I nodded, but I felt the need to say my response out loud as well, "yeah…"

His smile grew even wider at my response, "well love, one of the only good things is the _speed, _hold on tight okay…"

He gave me no further warning, because with that he was running.

…And I was not prepared for what it was like.

I knew that Edward had always been a fast runner, even all those years ago, but his speed back then was nothing compared to this.

As the trees and rocks flew by us at alarming speeds, I held on to him tighter then ever before. I tried to not be frightened, after all I knew Edward would never hurt me… but in this situation, I couldn't help fear us hitting something.

…Which at this speed I knew would hurt.

I didn't make any noise, but I kept my eyes wide open, still disbelieving that this was possible.

Eventually after a minute or so of the running, Edward came to a sudden stop,

With his help I shakily climbed down from his back. When I was able to look up from the ground, Edward was watching me.

I brushed off my skirt, "well… I wasn't expecting that"

He laughed quietly, and reached his hand out towards me. "Are you feeling okay?" he asked warily, as he noticed my hand was shaking in his.

"Yes… just give me a minute to slow down my heart"

"Hmm, yeah I can hear it going fast, do you want to sit down?"

"You can hear it?" I asked in shock.

"Another vampire thing" he murmured, as he took both of my hands in his.

"Ah…" – I didn't feel the need to say anything else.

I waited for a moment, "I'm okay now, let's continue"

He looked unsure whether to believe me or not, but sighed anyway. He looked up towards the sky, clearly noticing how much lighter it was quickly becoming.

With my hand still held in his, he gently pulled me forward, and headed to where it looked as if the trees were thinning- there was a lot more light ahead as compared to behind us.

When we got closer, it became clearer that the light in the trees was actually a clearing of some sort. I walked ahead of Edward, eager to see what it was and where we were.

I wasn't prepared for what I was about to see… I broke through the remainder of the trees to find a clearing with a stream running through the middle of it, which was surrounded by wildflowers. The sun was now just beginning to rise into the sky, making the whole place light and beautiful.

The sky itself was a light blue and cloudless- it made a wonderful change compared to the clouds that had constantly covered Chicago for the past few weeks.

I was amazed, I found myself spinning slowly in circles so I could see everything around me, "Places like this just don't exist… at least not in Chicago" I whispered quietly to myself.

I thought it was impossible for Edward to hear me, but apparently his hearing had increased tenfold… he was still over in the trees, at least a hundred yards from me.

"Places like this exist for me…" he murmured, just loud enough for me to hear, "…this is where I've spent a lot of my time over the last few months"

I walked back towards him smiling, though I felt saddened by the thought that he felt so alone… I had always felt that way over the past few years, even though I never was. I had my family and my best friends.

And whom did he have…? Strangers that had turned him into something that he hated and who were forced to become his new family.

I know comments like that sounds hateful of me… after all this Carlisle person had saved him from certain death and then offered him a home so comments like that sound hateful of me… but I'm just looking at things in perspective.

My emotions had gone a bit haywire over the past 12 hours anyway, which I knew was to be expected.

A previous worry suddenly came to me… and that was why didn't Edward come back to me sooner? I knew he had said he wanted me to be happy, but that didn't sound completely legit to me.

Besides… why was he planning on leaving me last night? He only decided to show himself when I was ready to jump off the building.

Did that mean that I was just a bother to him…?

Or did he still love me in some sense, but only decided to stay with me out of guilt?

Or what about…

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asked me softly, cutting into my thoughts.

I looked up at him to see him looking at me in concern, obviously being able to tell by my facial expression that something was bothering me.

I knew I would eventually ask him those questions, but for now I just wanted to enjoy our time together.

Edward had said he wouldn't leave… but who's to say he wouldn't when I asked him if he still loved me the way he used to?

And so with all of that in mind, I thought of the best lie that I could in the situation.

"…I'm just wondering why you're still hiding in the trees when you should be out in the sunshine," I replied, shrugging off-handily.

He looked like he didn't believe my transparent lie, but chose to ignore it for now.

"Give me a moment" he eventually replied quietly. He was looking at the ground at his feet, which were kicking a couple of rocks gently.

After a minute or two he looked up at me, his expression was now a lot more determined then before.

He slowly stepped forwards through the leaves, slowly revealing himself to the light and to me.

When he was finally out in front of me, I looked properly at him… and couldn't for the life of me believe what I was seeing.

His skin… was _sparking… _like millions of diamonds were embedded on him.

He was… incredible, so different and yet so wonderful. He seemed wary, his eyes never left my own, watching my reaction.

Eventually he shrugged, his voice now sad as he spoke- "This is what I am"

I was lost for words, "You… you're…" I stuttered, trying to think of the right adjective- "You're _beautiful_" I whispered, slowly reaching my hand out to touch his own.

"Beautiful?" he asked in surprise and slight anger, "…This isn't normal Bella, something this strange shouldn't be called… _beautiful_" he mumbled.

I just shook my head, feeling a little tired of his negativity towards himself… he didn't see himself clearly. I continued to trace my fingers up his arm, surprised to see that he didn't feel any different… his skin was cold- only slightly warmed from the sunlight- but it was still smooth and felt almost normal.

"I understand why you can't go out in public like this" I murmured, "but please don't hate yourself for it"

He sighed quietly, weaving his fingers through mine, "I'll try" he whispered as he lifted my hand up to kiss it softly.

***~*~***

We ended up lying down on the grass together under the sunshine, at first we started off just next to each other. But within just minutes I ended up resting my head on his chest, while one of his hands wrapped around my waist.

He would occasionally lean his head down to kiss my hair, my temple or my cheek. And every time he did it I would feel a blush spread across my cheeks… it was unusual just how much he affected me.

The day passed in a blur, it went far too quickly for my liking- the sun moved across the sky above us, eventually disappearing behind the trees.

And so, Edward's sparkles disappeared… maybe that was a good thing though, he instantly seemed like he was more comfortable then before once his skin looked normal again.

Throughout the day I forgot about human things, like how I felt fatigued and a little hungry... after all things like that didn't matter in moments as _tender_ as this.

We mostly lay in a comfortable silence not needing words at every moment, however as night quickly approached there was one worry that kept crossing my mind.

I didn't want to talk about this to Edward, but I knew I had to at some point- I suppose it would have to be now or never.

"Edward? You know about Jacob… right?" I whispered quietly against his chest.

He stiffened slightly, "Yes" he replied curtly.

I needed something else from him, a further comment perhaps, "And…?" I urged him, turning to head up to look at him.

"And… it's your decision" he replied quietly, not looking at me.

"What's my decision?" I asked baffled.

He looked hurt as he replied, "…Whether you want him… or me"

I sat up in surprise, shocked that he would think there was even the smallest possibility that I would rather have Jacob then him!

Did Edward not know just how much I loved him?!

I knew for certain that I would give up everything if it meant keeping him… even my life if I had to.

"Edward… theres no question, it's _you_, it's always been _you_" I insisted, trying to get eye contact with him.

He finally looked at me, but didn't speak for a while.

"Well then, I'm okay with it… that you were with him I mean," he replied quietly, "…I will admit that it did hurt for a little while when I saw that you had somewhat moved on, but I understood completely"

I was now even more in shock, and found myself at a loss for words, "You did?" I whispered quietly.

He sat up, so his face was now only inches from my own, "Of course… he helped heal you" he replied, softly brushing my hair from my face.

I shook my head; "I was never completely healed"

He nodded, now beginning to brush his fingers down and across my cheek tenderly, "I know… I could tell that last night with the whole… jumping thing, but you cannot deny that he did help you" he told me softly, looking at me the entire time.

When I replied, I didn't know what I was saying, I didn't think before I spoke- "Why are you being so understanding?"

He closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them revealing a lighter shade of gold then before. "I've been trying to imagine myself in your situation, I knew that if the situation were reversed…" -he flinched as if imagining the possibility- "that I wouldn't be able to cope without friends or family to help me through"

Again, I didn't think about what I was saying, "But… he became more then a friend to me" I murmured.

He nodded, and replied quickly, "I know"

"H…how can you not be mad at me for that?" I asked sadly, feeling my eyes sting a little out of guilt.

His expression was soft and loving as he continued to trial his hand down my cheek, his touch soft. "Bella… you believed I was dead for so long, I do not blame you for wanting to find happiness, how could I? All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy"

I closed my eyes as I took in his loving words, and leant in towards him pressing my face into his neck. His arms were instantly around me, as I allowed a couple of tears to fall down my face and onto his neck.

"Thank you for understanding" I whispered softly.

I felt him nod in response as he held on to me tighter.

It was silent for a little while, though as the sky grew darker and the cold wind began to pick up I knew that we would have to move now.

Our time was drawing to a close.

And I know had to decide what to do next.

It was as if Edward had read my mind, his next question was almost exactly what I was thinking- "So Bella… what are you going to do now?" he asked quietly, his voice just a whisper in the wind.

For once I didn't need to I knew whom exactly he was referring to.

…And I knew _exactly_ what had to be done.

"I need to go home" I murmured, pulling myself even closer to him, "I need to talk to everyone"

***~*~***

The moon was out and the stars were shining brightly in the clear sky by the time we were standing outside of Alice and Jasper's house.

Once we were standing still, I turned to face Edward with what felt like a torn expression on my face. After all we had been apart for so long, and I wasn't ready to leave him even though it was only for a short while.

He must have been thinking something similar, because he smiled at me reassuringly and then silently wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him.

I felt calmer at his touch; he gently rubbed soothing circles on my back as I clutched on to him.

It was silent for a while, until Edward spoke quietly, "They're both very worried about you" he murmured, referring to Jasper and Alice.

"How do you know that?" I whispered against his chest.

"Another vampire power, love" he replied quietly, kissing my hair firmly, "I'll explain more to you soon"

I smiled slightly, "You keep saying that"- I repeated my words from earlier.

I was certain he was smiling as well, "I know"

My voice was weaker then before as I spoke again, "I have to go… but I don't want to leave you"

"I don't want you to go either" he admitted, his voice trembling slightly, "but we'll be together soon" he insisted.

Hope quickly over took me- I already couldn't wait for that time; I knew that it was what I would rely on as I talked to Jasper, Alice and then Jacob.

It was bizarre really… I missed Edward already, and he wasn't even gone yet.

"We will…?" I asked quietly.

His voice was stronger then mine- "Of course… just come back to our spot when you can, and I'll be waiting for you" he promised, holding me even tighter then before.

I smiled again, "You promise?"

He smiled at me- "I promise"

I felt a lot calmer then before about going now, "Okay…" I replied, starting to pull away from him slightly.

He wouldn't loosen his grip though, instead he buried his face into my hair as he sighed, "I don't want to see you go, even if it's only for a short while" he whispered, his voice cracking slightly.

Now I needed to reassure him slightly.

"I feel exactly the same way" I murmured, stretching up to brush my lips on his neck.

He swayed us gently from side to side, his voice strong and beautiful as he replied- "I love you"

"I love you too" I whispered, loud enough for him to hear.

I silently turned and walked up the path towards the house, stopping once I got to the door just to look behind me. I was sad to see that Edward was no where in sight, but I knew he was still watching from somewhere.

I took a deep breath and then slowly opened the door, walking in cautiously.

"Alice? Jasper?" I yelled loudly, hearing my voice echo around the small house.

"Bella, is that you?!"

In the next instant Alice appeared in the doorway, her eyes were red, and her short hair was a mess. She ran over to me and pulled me into a tight hug, making it slightly difficult to breathe.

She eventually pulled away, and her relief soon turned into anger as she yelled at me-

"Bella, where on earth have you been?! I've been worried sick!"

I sighed quietly to myself, _here come the lies…_

* * *

**Next chapter preview:**

"You lied to Alice didn't you?" Jasper asked me quietly, his expression was surprisingly understanding instead of angry, "something bigger then that happened… I can tell, so care to tell me the truth?"

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**Hope this was okay...**

**The next chapter will soon as long as people want it...? Please review! Any chance at all of reaching 120?!? :D Please?**

**Thanks for reading!**


	9. So observant

**A/N- Hii! Wow, I loved the response to the last chapter! Truly amazing, thank you to- Vampiregirl1654, Twilightgoddess, Vanpiress123, MissStrawberries, xLadyAng3lx, liz526, cullenlover642, mysoundlesssilentscream, caww, anonymous, hugsmaketheworldgoround, TwiHoster95, JenniCullen, lionlambluv, yellowipod, Twilightteen14, nougat81, since1918, twilightlover90, jokesrup, alys09, lexi-virgo, j5girl31012 for reviewing! I'll reply to everyone individually at some point now I've figured out how to do that.. but still, every review is truly so appreciated! **

**So here we are, chapter nine.. hope its not too boring, its kind of a filler. I really didnt have much time sadly. Plus I'm scared that no ones going to like it, or want to review it or anything.. **

**If you do like it or want to give constructive critisism.. or anything, then please review!**

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**Thinking of you**

**Chapter nine**

_(Song for the chapter- In my own time- Delta Goodrem)_

_My head is spinning around and it's making me dizzy.  
__I'm spinning around and it's making me ill.  
__You don't understand what I'm going through just to find a way to climb. _

_It'll be in my own time.  
__It'll be in my own time. _

_Whispering thoughts in all different ways.  
__That I'm in a daze.  
__My head is spinning around and it's making me dizzy.  
__I'm spinning around and it's making me ill.  
__You don't understand what I'm going through just to find a way to climb._

_It'll be in my own time.  
__'cause it'll be in my own time. _

* * *

_Previously…_

"_Alice? Jasper?" I yelled loudly, hearing my voice echo around the small house._

"_Bella, is that you?!"_

_In the next instant Alice appeared in the doorway, her eyes were red, and her short hair was a mess. She ran over to me and pulled me into a tight hug, making it slightly difficult to breathe._

_She eventually pulled away, and her relief soon turned into anger as she yelled at me-_

"_Bella, where on earth have you been?! I've been worried sick!"_

_I sighed quietly to myself, here come the lies…_

**March 1945**

I was fully aware of the two pairs of eyes focused on me as I quickly tried to think of the best excuse possible, I chose not to look at their expressions feeling afraid of what I might see in them.

My voice came out shaky as I eventually replied; "I've been… _away_…"

It was the best I could think of under the pressure, though it was certainly not a convincing excuse to anyone, unfortunately.

Alice was tapping her foot, with her arms crossed over her chest. "Away?" she questioned quietly.

"Yes…" I replied in a rush, trying to come up with a better explanation as quickly as I could- "I needed some space for a day, just to clear my mind… and to put things into perspective"

Alice nodded, though I could now see that worry and confusion was clearly etched onto her face. "Right… okay… why couldn't you of told me that you were going? I was really worried… I thought you might of…" she trailed off, and I didn't need to be a mind reader to know what she was going to say next.

The ironic thing was that she was right.

I sighed softly, feeling guilty for making her worry so much, "I know, I'm sorry… I just wasn't thinking straight" I whispered.

She still didn't seem satisfied with my lack of an excuse, "It's okay, we'll talk more about that later… but where did you go?" she asked quickly.

"I… um… I went out of town," I stuttered, noticing Jasper look at me suspiciously out of the corner of my eye.

"Anywhere in particular?" Alice asked again, desperate to get more information.

I shook my head, "not really…" I murmured.

It was silent for a moment, I could tell they were both ready to ask more questions, so I made a quick interruption.

"I'm sorry… I'm not trying to be so rude intentionally but can I go and sleep? I'll talk to you both more in the morning" I asked them softly.

I knew that least I would have more time to think of a better excuse.

Alice sighed heavily, seeming frustrated with me, "of course…" she whispered, pulling me in for a hug.

She whispered quietly to me- "Bella… you can tell me anything you know that right?"

I nodded against her shoulder, feeling the guilt in the pit of my stomach.

She continued talking softly to me- "It's just… I know that you're still missing him, but I didn't realise how badly it was affecting you. Probably because you never told me… just _please_ let me in next time?" she begged me.

"I will" I replied quietly, feeling shame for lying to my best friend.

She had done so much for me over the years and I treated her this awful way… and I was going to continue, for Edward's sake.

I was basically choosing him over her.

_Was that even fair…? _

She had been there for the three years… while Edward let me believe that he was dead.

I blocked out the horrible memories of the three years as best I could… I knew Edward had a good reason for what he did, he had already explained it slightly. I would make sure to find out the full reason before I put my plan into motion.

After saying goodnight as quickly as I could to Alice and Jasper, I made my way to the guestroom and began getting ready for bed. I hadn't realised until now just how tired I felt… I suppose that only the couple of hours sleep the night before had caught up with me.

I decided that I would be going back to my home tomorrow- hopefully to talk to Jacob, it was unfair to keep stringing him along anymore, I wouldn't tell him everything… just the basics, that I cannot be with him anymore.

After that I would gather everyone – my parents and my friends - to tell them my plans, and what I was going to do next.

I just hoped that they wouldn't get suspicious or fear the worst, like Alice did when I left for the night.

I was interrupted from my thoughts by a quiet knock at the door, I automatically assumed it was Alice coming to check on me.

"Come in" I told her quietly as I continued brushing my hair out.

The door creaked open, and to my surprise it wasn't Alice but was her husband Jasper instead.

"Is it okay if I talk to you for a minute?" he asked cautiously, hesitating in his spot half in and half out of the room.

"Of course…" I agreed instantly, gesturing for him to come into the room.

I began worrying about the state of the room- why did I have to make things look like such a mess?! "I'm sorry for the mess I've made in this room… I'll clean it before I go back home tomorrow," I mumbled, tidying up the bed sheets as I spoke.

He didn't say anything about it though and the silence was unnerving, I eventually turned around to face him and finally he spoke- though he didn't say what I was expecting him to.

"You lied to Alice didn't you?" he asked me quietly, his expression surprisingly understanding instead of angry.

_How did he know…?_

"I…" I began defending myself, trying to fight away my shaking voice.

He cut me off and continued talking- "something bigger then that happened… I can tell, so care to tell me the truth?" he asked looking up at me, expectation written all over his face.

I gulped and fidgeted nervously from my spot across the room- after all if there was one person that I could not lie in front of; it was the blonde ex-soldier standing in front of me.

It was bewildering but he could always see right through people… almost as if he knew whether their emotions were haywire. He could always see right through me, hence why I felt so nervous now.

"I didn't lie" I murmured in defence.

_Well I didn't completely lie… not exactly. _

He frowned at my response, "really?"

I frowned back in response, "really…" I replied, moving to sit on the edge of my bed.

He began pacing in front of me, seeming to be deep in thought; "It's just… if you really had gone out of town I'm certain you would have gone into more detail about where you went…" he observed. "It seemed as if you were thinking hard about what to tell Alice, as if you were making up your lie as you went"

"I wasn't…" I defended myself, "I'm just… tired that's all, I couldn't really remember the details clearly" I lied unconvincingly.

It was silent for a moment, "…You're doing it again," he accused me quietly.

"Doing what?" I snapped, "I wouldn't lie to my best friend… how dare you accuse me!"

He sighed softly, now looking guiltier then before- "I didn't mean it like that Bella…"

I just shrugged and refused to look at him, instead turning my attention to the small square window that faced towards the back garden.

I could have sworn I saw dark eyes staring right back at me, but it was probably my imagination.

I must have flinched or made an obvious reaction, because when I turned back to Jasper he looked even more suspicious then before.

"What now?" I asked quietly- I knew I was being rude but I wasn't in the mood for anymore interrogation from him.

I knew I couldn't hold my own when it came to lying- I hadn't even thought of a good excuse when I first arrived home, its no wonder Jasper was already suspicious.

"Nothing, you just seemed a little out of it there… really focused on something" he murmured, looking towards the window as well.

I sighed, "It was just the garden, that's all" I replied quickly.

He sighed, turning to look directly at me, "please just stop lying Bella… you're not fooling me"

I waited for him to stop staring at me- his expression was very calculating, as if he was trying to figure it out for himself.

I didn't want him to come to a completely incorrect conclusion, but I knew he wouldn't give up until he got an answer from- I knew I had to tell him something right away.

_Stretch the truth perhaps… turn it into a white lie…_

I rolled my eyes, "Fine… I was…" I stuttered, deciding on what exactly to tell him.

He seemed impatient, "Yes…?"

The words came out before I could stop them, "…I left last night with the intention of killing myself" I whispered softly.

Jasper looked like he wasn't expecting that, his eyes were wide and his expression shocked as he mumbled- "You… what?"

I continued with my lie, "I just couldn't take it anymore! I thought dying would be an escape from the pain that hurt so badly… the pain of losing Edward I mean…"

I continued with my desperate lie, "I know that me being around is just making everyone unhappy… I haven't been myself in so long, and I didn't think that I ever would be" I whispered sadly.

It was silent for a long time.

"What changed?" Jasper eventually whispered weakly.

I looked up at him, "What do you mean?" I asked quietly.

He gestured to me, "you're still here" he murmured, smiling softly at me, "and you were using past tense, saying that it hurt bad- not that it still hurts"

_He really is too observant. _

I began trying to think of further explanation- "Yeah… It's because…"

"Because of what?" he encouraged me softly, cutting me off.

_Think, think... _"Because… of him." I whispered, "… I was ready to jump to my death, and it was like Edward was there in my mind… telling me not to jump…"

Jasper was silent for a while, "so what you're saying is that you wanted to kill yourself and you were going to… but you thought Edward wouldn't want that?" he whispered as if he was struggling to accept it.

I nodded, keeping my gaze level with him, "Yes, exactly"

"Wow… okay" he sighed in a breath, pausing for several moments. "…You know it still amazes me to hear just how much love you had for him"

I decided to correct him, "_Have_, love I _have_ for him… I will never stop loving him," I replied, smiling at the thought of my Edward.

He smiled at me, "I know" he murmured pulling me in for a friendly hug, "why didn't you tell Alice the truth?" he asked quietly in my ear.

"I didn't want to upset her… you know over the suicide thing" I admitted quietly.

"Oh right… now that makes sense" he replied; though there was still a hint of doubt in his voice.

I nodded but didn't say anything.

He pulled away from the hug, his expression now sheepish, "I'm sorry for forcing you to tell me… I was just concerned"

"It's okay" I told him truthfully smiling at him.

He told me that he should probably go back to Alice at that point, and I agreed. We both said goodnight, him kissing my forehead just before he left the room.

I faced the door for several moments, before turning back to where the bed was.

I froze in my moments because of what I saw next…

Edward.

He was standing inside the room, the window open behind him, the breeze sweeping into the small room. I was relieved, ecstatic and overjoyed to see him again so soon.

He was smiling crookedly at me, "Should I be worried?" he murmured teasingly, referring to Jasper.

I could only smile breathlessly at him, "you're here…" I whispered, running straight into his open arms.

"Of course I am" he murmured, kissing my hair softly as he wrapped his arms tight around me.

I snuggled into his embrace before looking up at him, making sure I was pouting- "You didn't say that you were coming…"

His reply was quick, "I didn't know if I could sneak in without getting caught… I didn't want to make false promises" he explained softly, rocking me from side to side.

"Oh right…" I replied, leaning my head on his chest.

"Are you okay?" he whispered gently in my ear.

"I'm fine… I just hate lying to them, especially Alice" I replied just as gently.

He kissed my cheek, leaving his face pressed against mine, "I know, love"

We moved so that we were lying on the bed, cuddled up to each other.

I sighed sadly as I thought about Alice and Jasper, "I'm just going to miss them so much…" I whispered.

He was playing with my hair gently, but stopped in his motions when I spoke.

"Miss them?" he asked confused.

"Hmm" I murmured against his neck.

He still seemed confused- "When? They're still here for you, beautiful" he reassured me.

I closed my eyes, "They won't be… not when we leave" I murmured.

"You want to leave?" he asked, surprise evident in his voice.

There was no hesitation in my voice as I replied- "Yes, it's the only way we can be together without them finding out"

"Bella, please think about this. You don't have to leave your friends and family for me, it's a huge thing for you to have to do… I don't want you to be unhappy," he said quietly, resting his chin on the top of my head.

I chose to pull out of our embrace, leaning up on my elbows so that I was looking him directly in the eye as I replied- "I won't be… I'll have you"

* * *

_**Next chapter preview:**_

"How can you leave me after everything I've done for you?!"

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**Sorry that this chapter is shorter then usual, but this was all I could get done before I go on holiday and I figured its better to have a shorter chapter then no chapter at all for ages. :D **

**So yeah, as mentioned I won't be able to update for a couple of weeks, as I can't take my laptop on holiday with me. But I'm still aiming to have this story completed by the end of July- maybe the very beginning of August at the _latest._ Thanks to everyone who's been patient so far! **

**And I'm kind of sad now... we're _very_ close to the end now. It'll either be 1 or 2 chapters plus an epilogue… depends on how things turn out and whether I need to divide the chapters in half or not. **

**Thats all for now. See you all soon :) Please REVIEW! **

**Thanks for reading, Emma.x **


	10. Making decisions

**Hii again, the stories back :D Firstly thank you so much to- _Eflmc101, Twilightteen14, twilightlover90, lionlambluv, FrenzzyforEdward, JenniCullen, cullenlover642, caww, since 1918, MorganCullen1234, saraho8, nougat81, JamesCullen2k9 (for the multiple reviews!), twilightobsessed12, mysoundlesssilentscream, miisANGEL, Vanpiress123, kim shin hye, j5girl31012, yellowipod and Jaimini _- for reviewing! It was a lot more reviews then I expected for the last chapter, and is really appreciated :) **

**Special thanks to _twilightobsessed12_ for being there since the very beginning of this story and _JenniCullen_ and _caww_ for being really loyal. And to _MissStrawberries_ for adding this to her community, 'Viva la twilight' :) ****I still have loads more people to thank.. but I think that's enough for now :D, loads of thanks and mentions to come with the final two chapters though!**

**Once again I hope this chapter is okay, should be more interesting then chapter nine at least... although the last third of this chapter has not been edited yet so please excuse any mistakes- I'm going to read through it tomorrow and edit it, I just dont have any more time to work on this one. **

**Please review!! **

* * *

**Thinking of you**

**Chapter ten**

_(Song for the chapter- Only hope- Switchfoot)_

(Simply because this song is so beautiful, I encourage everyone to listen to it :] … I picked it because it can be applied to all the three main characters in a way. With Bella its how she just wants her and Edward to be together, with Edward its knowing that Bella's his only chance at having a life again, and with Jacob its just how he wants Bella to love him.)

_There's a song that's inside of my soul…  
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again,  
__I'm awake in the infinite cold,  
But you sing to me over and over and over again _

_So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray… to be only yours,  
__I pray… to be only yours, I know now you're my only hope. _

_Sing to me the song of the stars…  
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again,  
__When it feels like my dreams are so far,  
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again _

_So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray... to be only yours,  
__I pray… to be only yours, I know now you're my only hope._

_I give you my apathy, I'm giving you all of me,  
I want your symphony, __Singing in all that I am…  
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back… _

_And I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray… to be only yours,  
__I pray… to be only yours, I pray… to be only yours, I know now you're my only hope._

* * *

_Previously…_

"_You want to leave?" he asked, surprise evident in his voice._

_There was no hesitation in my voice as I replied- "Yes, it's the only way we can be together without them finding out"_

"_Bella, please think about this. You don't have to leave your friends and family for me, it's a huge thing for you to have to do… I don't want you to be unhappy," he said quietly, resting his chin on the top of my head._

_I chose to pull out of our embrace, leaning up on my elbows so that I was looking him directly in the eye as I replied- "I won't be… I'll have you"_

**March 1945**

Throughout the night I didn't sleep as much as I planned on doing- before I knew it the morning came. I was awake to witness the light creeping in through the window, the light that was due to the sun rising steadily through the thin layer of clouds that covered Chicago's dark skyline.

Edward had stayed all night, holding me as I fell asleep and then when I woke again.

…Truly it was like it always was before he left.

Listening to him singing in my ear with his arms wound round me… this was the situation that I had dreamt of throughout the three years.

It was incredible how easily we slipped back into our simple pattern- the need to be with eachother.

Words were not needed- we didn't speak much throughout the night, just deciding to leave it on the vague conversation about us leaving town.

Truthfully, I still didn't know his honest opinion on it.

I knew his opinion didn't matter on what I was going to do today though.

I was going to do this alone, and take my time with it. It was a decision that was a long time coming, because really it was the only fair option.

It was saying goodbye to Jacob… forever.

Deep down I was both terrified and eager to do this… terrified because of the knowledge that I didn't fully want him out of my life and that I would hurt him, but eager to no longer lie to him about the way I felt.

The reality was that I just couldn't be with him _that _way.

My heart had always and would always belong to Edward.

I knew that no one else could make me as truly happy as he did. I had always known that… but this was living proof now.

The evidence was how the littlest things between Edward and me could make me feel so happy-

Such as… "This is the second morning we've had together…" I whispered, speaking my thoughts out loud.

Yes… that simple, illogical thought alone made me happy.

Edward sounded confused, probably a bit shocked at my completely random comment; "we've had plenty of mornings like this darling" he murmured, brushing his fingers against my cheek, his golden eyes boring into my own.

I leant into his touch, finding myself unable to resist, "I mean since you came back" I whispered gently.

Instantly his expression turned soft and loving, though I could see the regret and guilt he felt, just through the slight crease of his eyebrows.

I knew it was because he was regretting our time apart.

"It doesn't matter you know" I whispered, "I just felt like pointing it out… it made me happy- the thought that you're still here"

He sighed softly and leant forward so our foreheads and noses were touching, our lips just an inch apart.

"I told you Bella… I will not leave again, I promise that" he whispered against my lips.

"I know" I replied, closing the distance to press my lips firmly against his.

We kissed with the tiniest amount of pressure for several moments before deepening the kiss.

He was just beginning to reach his hand up to my neck to pull me even closer to him when we were interrupted by a quick impatient knock at the door.

"Bella? Are you awake?" Alice asked through the door.

"Y-yes… don't come in though!" I yelled loudly in a panic, noticing that Edward was already over by the window. I tried to think of a good excuse to keep her out, "I… I'm getting dressed" I stuttered, closing my eyes hoping she would believe it.

There was a pause for a moment, "Oh right okay…" she replied cheerfully, causing me to sigh in relief, "well I just wanted to ask if you wanted any breakfast? I'm making some now" she asked me kindly.

My response was a loud growl of my stomach, that I'm certain she must have heard- I blushed violently, trying to figure out when it was that I had last eaten… two days ago maybe?

…How had I not noticed how hungry I was until now?

"Yeah that sounds great- I'll be out in a minute" I replied to Alice, not taking my eyes off Edward the whole time. He was watching me warily- as if he was ready to leave at any moment if Alice happened to walk into the room.

"Okay, see you in a minute" she replied instantly.

I waited until I could no longer hear her footsteps walking away before I finally relaxed, smiling at Edward.

However the silence soon became loud, as I didn't know what to say… we weren't exactly deep in conversation when she interrupted after all.

There was only one thing to do, "I guess I had better go out then…" I murmured, my voice showing how hesitant I was.

Edward smiled softly at me and closed the distance between us, cradling my face in his hands.

"It's okay, go and spend time with her" he told me quietly, the gentle smile never leaving his face.

"But I want to stay with you" I whispered, covering my hands with his.

"To be honest I want you to stay as well… the selfish side of me wants you all to myself" he told me softly, "but I think you need time with your friends… especially if you're still certain about leaving soon."

I nodded, "I am,"

"Go then…" He kissed my cheek softly, "I'll come and see you later"

"When?" I asked desperately, wanting the reassurance that we wouldn't be apart for long.

"When I can" he murmured, "I'll always be near you though, remember?"

I smiled at his reminder, "Yes…" I breathed. "When you do come though I won't be here, I'll be back at our home okay? There will be no one else there but us"

"Should I go and wait there for you now then?" he asked me quietly.

"I'm not sure… I think Jacob might still be there" I replied quietly, knowing what I said was true.

…Because although Jacob didn't live with me, he was over regularly, and ever since our argument, which lead to me coming to Alice and Jaspers – and finding Edward – I knew he wouldn't have left. He would probably be waiting for me to come back to see if I was okay.

Or waiting to apologise… not that he was the one who should be doing that.

I owed him the biggest apology instead.

I broke out of my thoughts and looked at Edward, whom had a mixture of emotions written across his face, the main one being jealous. "Oh…" he murmured, obviously jealous that I technically still with Jacob.

I leant closer to him, pressing my body to his, "It's okay… I'm going to talk to him today, to explain things- anything between me and him is non-existent, I promise"

He now looked suspicious and curious, "What exactly are you going to tell him?"

I paused for a moment considering the options, noticing that Edward was waiting for my response.

"I'm not sure…" I replied quietly, "the truth, I guess"

* * *

I spent the morning with Alice and Jasper before finally declaring that I wanted to go back home to 'sort things out with Jacob' – luckily they didn't ask me anything that required lying. Ironically they didn't even mention my disappearing act.

If I weren't so relieved I would be suspicious about it… _why were they acting as if nothing happened when they were in such a panic just last night?_

Maybe they had decided to let it go… or maybe, just maybe… they had figured something out.

I pushed that frightening thought to the back of my mind as I saw the small White coloured house appear in front of me.

It was the place that I _used_ to call my home, but wasn't anymore. When Edward 'died' it just became a house… filled with memories and reminders.

And soon it would just be a building, when I had gone of course.

I slowly opened the front door and walked into the house, noticing how cold it felt- all the curtains were drawn making the hallway dark and dingy, I pulled them back allowing some daylight in.

I cleared my throat, "Jacob? Are you here?" I yelled loudly.

My earlier thoughts that Jacob would be here were confirmed when his voice replied from another room, "Bella? Is that you?"

I didn't have to even reply before Jacob suddenly ran into the room, relief all across his features.

He suddenly pulled me into a tight hug without saying anything further, "I'm so sorry for what I said to you…" he told me huskily, his voice the complete opposite to Edward's velvet tone. "I wasn't thinking, I was jealous… I didn't want to hurt you…" he insisted.

"Jacob… it's okay" I murmured, trying to subtly break out of the hug.

"It's not…" he argued, "I shouldn't have been so forceful with you; it's just… Bells I felt so jealous because it's _always_ about him…" he replied quietly, slight bitterness creeping into his tone.

I ignored that though- I understood why he must have felt that way, "I know, and it's okay… really it is" I whispered.

He sighed happily and finally pulled away from the hug, "So what now? Can you forgive me?" he asked me.

"Of course I forgive you," I replied instantly, smiling for the briefest moment.

I decided to cut straight to the chase- "Jacob… I actually didn't come here to tell you that, I wanted to talk to you," I whispered quietly, the nerves and guilt already overfilling me.

"Oh right… okay, let's talk" he replied, still smiling at me, clearly oblivious and not expecting what I was about to say. Without another word he took my hand and pulled me into the main room, sitting me on the couch next to him.

He didn't say anything but indicated that he wanted me to tell him what was wrong, I sighed sadly turning away from him as I prepared myself for what I was going to say.

_I didn't want to hurt him… but I knew it was inevitable. _

"Jacob, I…" I whispered quietly, speaking as slow as humanly possible, "I don't think this is working…" I told him, cutting off at that point.

He was silent for a moment, "What?" he asked, confused.  
I lifted my head to look up at him, knowing that my expression must have looked tortured. "I can't do this anymore" I breathed softly.

He looked like he understood exactly what I said – his expression was already heartbroken – but it seemed like he wanted to make sure he had the facts right before properly reacting to what I was telling him. "Can't do what?" he eventually asked.

I sighed again, my voice breaking as I replied- "This… _us_… our relationship… it isn't working"

His voice was more frantic then before as he replied- "What are you talking about? 'Course it's working… listen Bells about the other day, I-"

I cut him off, shaking my head vigorously, "This isn't because of what happened" I insisted.

He blinked a couple of times, "It isn't…?" he asked slowly.

"No" I replied briefly,

"Then… _why_?" he asked desperately, as he held my hands tightly in his.

_This was already even harder then I thought it was going to be. _

Tears were already forming my eyes as I struggled to reply, "I… I just don't feel that way about you…" I whispered, my eyes never looking away from him, "you're one of my best friends Jacob, but I just can't see you as anything more then that…"

Anger and confusion flashed across his face briefly, "But you said that you did…?" he stated quietly.

"I know," I whispered shamefully, looking down at my feet as I spoke.

He let go of my hands and I let them fall to my sides, just listening as he stood from the couch, sighing in frustration and disappointment.

"I just don't understand…" he growled, pacing the small room- the anger was now overtaking the sorrow he was feeling. "How could you leave me after everything I've done for you?" he asked me angrily.

I knew his temper was getting out of control again… I had to calm the situation right away.

I looked up at him; "It's… I never meant to hurt you… but I…" I stuttered as I spoke in a rush.

"You what?" he spat, cutting me off.

I tried to make him understand more, "I don't think I'm ready for another relationship" I admitted.

_I never would be._

_I didn't need anyone else… I had Edward. _

He laughed bitterly- no humour was present in his tone as he did so, "and you couldn't have told me this before?" he asked me rhetorically.

I looked down at my feet nervously, "I needed time to realise what I want…" I mumbled.

He stopped pacing for a moment and looked at me questioningly, "And what is that exactly?" he asked slowly.

I looked up at him, ready to tell more of the truth; "I'm leaving Chicago"

It was silent for a long time, before his loud laughs filled the small room. I jumped at the sound- out of every possible option this was the reaction I least expected.

He eventually calmed his laughs, but there was still humour in his tone. "Leaving? _You?!_ Where are you going to go?" he asked.

I flinched under his stare knowing that he was mocking me, although I knew that it _was _understandable considering the circumstances- he was upset, and of course he would take his anger out on me… I deserved it.

I looked him in the eye, showing that I was serious about what I was telling him. "I'm going to travel" I replied.

He blinked in confusion, "Why in the world would you want to do that?!"

I looked down, trying to adjust what was the truth and what was lies into something believable. "I… I don't want to be stuck here all my life… I want to see some of world- stop relying on people," I admitted quietly, my voice breaking at several points.

He shook his head, the disbelieving expression still covering his face, "you're delusional… are you going alone?"

He asked it as if it was completely unbelievable- me leaving and living by myself- I almost felt offended, I probably would have if the situation were different.

Did I really rely on other people too much while Edward was away?

I finally looked up from my feet and stood up from the couch, looking him square in the eye and I replied- "Yes."

He blinked a couple of times- "But… _why?_ I understand that you want to live by yourself… but _why_? Why would you want to leave when your family and friends are here?" he paused for several moments, "…when _I'm_ here, I've _always_ been here…"

At his words, I blinked away the tears that were now beginning to form- I felt incredibly guilty for this.

But I knew I had to leave.

This _had_ to be done.

_There was no other option. _

"I don't want a life like this anymore… I'm just a shell- I have been since he died" – I paused for a moment to remind myself that I was lying here, I didn't want to feel the grief again – "I don't want to be a burden anymore" I eventually whispered.

"Whoa Bella, you're making it sound like you're dying not just leaving-" he froze for a moment, "wait…" he suddenly murmured.

"What?" I asked worriedly, afraid he had figured out the real reason.

His eyes were wide as he walked right up to me, cupping my face in his hands, "Bella… you are _not_ a burden… you've never been- do _not_ think that this is the only way out…"

"What are you talking about?" I whispered quietly, the words slightly muffled from his tight grip on my face.

He closed his eyes, "Bella it would kill me if you died…" he murmured, talking more to himself then me.

Suddenly I understood what he meant- he thought I was leaving to die.

I shook him forcefully as best I could, my voice panicky as I spoke- "What do you mean? I'm not going to kill myself!" I exclaimed.

He opened his eyes; "you're not?" he asked sceptically.

"No, I'm not!" I insisted.

He shook his head slowly; "I don't know whether to believe you…"

I made sure he was looking at me when I replied, "Jacob… I promise I'm not going to kill myself." I told him slowly and sincerely, "I'll prove it… when I'm gone I'll write… I'll write once a week to you, just to prove it"

He sighed quietly; "can I write back?"

I thought for a moment, before replying softly, "Yes… I'll send you the address when I'm settled somewhere" I promised him.

He sighed quietly and then surprised me by pulling me into a tight hug, all traces of anger gone, replaced by raw emotion.

"Do you really have to do this?" he asked sadly.

I nodded against his shoulder, allowing another stray tear to fall, "Yes, I do"

"Can't I come with you?" he pleaded, squeezing me even tighter.

_Time to hurt him even more. _

"No you can't… I'm so sorry" I whispered feeling even more tears spill over.

He sighed but didn't argue with me, "I'm gunna miss you" he eventually whispered sweetly.

"I'll miss you too" I replied sincerely.

It was silent for several moments, and I eventually decided on my final apology to him.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you wanted me to be" I murmured softly.

As he replied, he was even more understanding then I thought he would- "It's okay… who knows maybe you'll come back someday and be ready for a relationship"

"Yeah… maybe" I lied, smiling slightly at him as we pulled apart, knowing there was no chance of that ever happening.

He spent a little longer around the house; we both tried to force conversation, trying to get back to that friendship that I had always treasured so much.

However it seemed like a lost cause… he didn't speak to me much, he seemed too hurt and for that I didn't blame him, I had hurt him after all… after everything that he had done for me.

When he eventually left I allowed myself to fully cry… the sobs consuming me as I lay face down on the couch. I hoped Edward didn't assume I was crying because I loved Jacob… because I knew I didn't.

Instead I was crying because I knew how much I would miss him… that playful best friend who had helped save me from my darkest days. The best friend who never gave up on me… who had always held an unrequited love for me.

I knew how much I must have hurt him… but he never showed all of his emotions.

And for that, I only felt even worse then before.

I didn't even hear Edward come in, I only felt his arms wrap around me lifting me from my position. He placed me on his lap and held me tight, allowing me to cry for a while, rubbing my back to soothe me.

Eventually my tears subsided and I was finally able to take in his beautiful features again… and I could clearly see his expression that was full of guilt and upset.

"What's wrong?" I asked him quietly, reaching out to touch his face.

"I just… I hate seeing you so upset" he murmured, "Bella, are you sure about this?" he asked me softly.

I knew what he was referring to- leaving, saying goodbye to my friends and my family, going somewhere new…

I hated that he doubted me, so I straightened myself up holding on tighter to him as I replied, "Yes… I'm sure"

He watched me for several moments, analysing my expression so it seemed. "Okay…" he eventually murmured. "When?" he asked in reference to the plan of when to go.

I rested my head against his shoulder, feeling tired all of a sudden, "Soon, very soon…" I breathed, "-I'll say goodbye to everyone within the week"

He seemed surprised by my answer, "You don't think that's too quick? Bella I would completely understand if you wanted longer with everyone…"

"No… it's okay. I'll just be delaying the inevitable if I wait around any longer" I replied quietly, "I want to be with you with no restrictions"

"I know, and I do too," he replied, kissing my cheek and then my jaw softly as he spoke.

However as I felt his cold skin touch my own- which was warm in comparison- I was reminded of what else I wanted… more then anything in the world. "There's something else that I want too" I told him quietly.

He held me closer then ever before, nuzzling my neck with his nose, "Anything my love…"

"I want to be like you" I whispered, noticing how he stiffened in confusion. I cleared my throat and explained in more detail- "I want to be able to live with you forever, and for us to never be separated by death… I want…" I paused for a brief moment, smiling as I whispered-

"I want to be a vampire"

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**_Next chapter preview:_**

"How am I going to live without you…? I'm going to miss you so much"

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**Hope you all liked this :D **

**I'm not sure when the next update will be... it will be soon though. I'm so excited about writing the final two chapters.. I've had the exact idea of how I want them to go since I started this story, so it will be great to finally write them I hope.**

**Please review.. any chance of 170? It would be amazing to reach 200 by the end of the story after all.. :D**

**Thanks for reading, Emma.x**


	11. Don't forget

**A/N- Hii again, as usual here are my chapter thanks. This time to- _JenniCullen, ISOFUNNY1995, anu1989, lionlambluv, Sera, Alys09, dogsrplayful, since1918, twilightlover90, MissStrawberries, kaygirlrach, caww, hardygirl87, mysoundlesssilentscream, EmmaCullen1917, j5girl31012, Thirsty4Blood and Luvinlifee _for the awesome reviews! I will reply to peoples reviews, but I dont have the time- I'm rushing to get this chapter out! But yeah, thanks so much, this story would be nothing without all of you! Individual thank you's will come with the next chapter. :)**

**So yeah, this is the last proper chapter. Theres only the epilogue to go after this which should be up within the week- I've already started working on it :) This is a nice long chapter, perhaps the longest one of the story. So I really hope you all enjoy it and agree with the ending. **

**Please review!**

* * *

**Thinking of you**

**Chapter eleven**

(Song for the chapter- don't forget to remember me- Carrie Underwood)

_Eighteen years had come and gone, for momma they flew by…  
__But for me they drug on and on.  
__We were loading up that Chevy, Both tryin' not to cry…  
__Momma kept on talking, putting off good-bye.  
__Then she took my hand and said, 'baby don't forget… _

_Before you hit the highway, You better stop for gas_…  
_There's a 50 in the ashtray, In case you run short on cash.  
__Here's a map and here's a bible, If you ever lose your way…  
__Just one more thing before you leave… Don't forget to remember me.'_

* * *

_Previously…_

_As I felt his cold skin touch my own- which was warm in comparison- I was reminded of what else I wanted… more then anything in the world. "There's something else that I want too" I told him quietly._

_He held me closer then ever before, nuzzling my neck with his nose, "Anything my love…"_

"_I want to be like you" I whispered, noticing how he stiffened in confusion. I cleared my throat and explained in more detail- "I want to be able to live with you forever, and for us to never be separated by death… I want…" I paused for a brief moment, smiling as I whispered-_

"_I want to be a vampire"_

**March 1945**

Although Edward had just said that he would give me anything, it was clear that he was not expecting me to ask for this, he probably wished for anything in exchange.

But this was all I wanted.

I knew he was worried, his arms- which were still wrapped around me - became rigid, and his breathing stopped. His expression had changed from content too anxious, his golden eyes never leaving my own.

His voice was quiet as he whispered his long awaited response, "Bella you don't know what you're asking for…"

I sighed knowing thathe would be reluctant about this.

…It was a good thing I had my arguments already prepared in my mind.

I placed my hand on his cheek, smiling slightly when he didn't move away from my touch- "I do though Edward," I whispered back to him.

I noticed that his expression didn't change at all at my comment, I sighed softly, placing my head back on his shoulder for a brief moment before moving back to my position looking him in the eye.

"Edward… you're not ageing…" I whispered, "I know that I'm not older then you physically yet, but it won't be long until I am" I told him sadly.

He shook his head, before kissing my hair and whispering into it- "That's not a problem, you're beautiful."

_I won't stay the same though._

I couldn't help it- I pulled away from him so his arms were only hanging loose at his sides. I hated that he didn't understand what I was saying, and that he already seemed so against this.

"…What about when I so old that people think I'm your _mother_?" I eventually asked him slowly, my voice bitter and frightened.

He reached out to touch my cheek, hurt momentarily flashing across his face when I flinched away from his hand.

The hurt was quickly hidden as he held on to me even tighter then before, as if he didn't want to lose me. "Even then it won't be a problem… not to me," he whispered softly in my ear.

I tried to get out of his grip, "Of course it will!" I yelled in frustration, "Edward I don't want to die and leave you behind…"

He shook his head, "You won't be leaving me behind- I'll follow shortly after. Admittedly I don't know of a way how to do that yet… but I'll find one"

I sighed once again out of frustration, "Edward, what's the point in that? If you just change me, we can have forever together. Theres no need to die… why can't you understand that?" I asked him loudly, before feeling the traitorous tears begin to form around the edges of my eyes. "…Is it because you can't stand the thought of having me around forever?" I whispered, feeling my heart break and shatter at my own words.

His face looked like I had just slapped him- it was filled with hurt, and this time he didn't try to hide it. "H-how can you say that? You're all that I want, of course I want to be with you forever" he murmured, crushing me to his chest as he spoke.

I sighed softly at his touch, but still couldn't help but feel hurt by his reluctance.

"If you mean what you said, then why are you so against this…?" I eventually whispered- my voice almost too quiet to hear.

He exhaled a shaky breath, and then placed his head in the crook my neck, his cool breath blew across me as he spoke- "Because… I don't want to damn you to this, I want you to be able to enjoy the perfect life you deserve" he admitted softly. "Bella, I don't want you to have to hide from the sunlight, or have to cope with the guilt of killing living animals just for their blood. You're too valuable to become like this… you're just too wonderful to be eternally damned" he murmured, kissing my neck gently.

I waited until he pulled away before I spoke- I knew I couldn't focus on what I was going to say with him if he stayed in that position.

I took a deep breath before replying, "Edward, I can cope with the changes that it brings. I don't mind about trivial things like that… all I want is the knowledge that I can be with you" I insisted.

He was shaking his head once again though, "But Bella you're already giving up so much… you're leaving your family and your friends behind just for me. How can I take away your humanity as well?" he whispered sadly.

I knew that I had to sound strong and determined if I had any chance of convincing him to do this though.

"I don't see any other alternative" I murmured, "Edward… if I can't become like you, then I just don't know how this can work. You're all I want Edward… you're all I will ever want, but with all these differences between us, I fear a proper relationship between us wouldn't be possible."

I noticed that Edward now looked panicked, obviously knowing where I was heading with this.

I was giving him an ultimatum, it was harsh of me, but I knew it was my opportunity- I couldn't be with Edward knowing that I was going to lose him again like before.

Really this was my only choice.

"You don't know that Bella, we haven't really tried yet" he told me, desperation clear in his voice, he held onto me tighter as if I was a lifeline.

"I _do_ know Edward, I know more then you think I do, and I know that I couldn't be with you if it meant losing you again." I whispered, noticing how his expression was beginning to shift into contemplation.

I decided to use my final argument, "Tell me something Edward- if the roles were reversed and I was the vampire and you were the human, what would you want?"

He didn't say anything for a while, seeming like he was surprised at my question. "I-I… I wouldn't want to become like this" he eventually stuttered.

I knew what the stuttering meant- "You're lying Edward" I whispered in annoyance.

He sighed and rested his forehead against my own, "Alright, maybe I _would_ want to become a vampire." He admitted reluctantly, "But Bella, just consider it from my perspective- say the situation was reversed, would _you_ want to change me, knowing that it would be taking away my humanity?"

Wow… I didn't expect him to throw my own question back at me.

I knew my answer though.

"I… yes, I would." I replied softly, "If it was what you wanted, and I knew it was the only way for us to be together, then yes I would change you"

He nodded, seeming like he was contemplating my words. There was no way to be sure what he was thinking though… I didn't know if he was going to keep on insisting on the answer no, or if he was finally considering saying yes.

I knew that deep down he wanted to, he was just afraid of me regretting my decision.

I felt tears once again welling up in my eyes at the thought of him saying no- I just didn't want to lose him again, but it seemed like a possible option.

I rested my forehead against his neck, and allowed the tears to fall. "Edward… I've waited three years for you to come back to me. I have never asked you directly for anything, but I'm asking you to do this for me"

I took a deep breath; aware that he was looking down at me- watching the way I spoke, the tears that were falling.

And so with that knowledge, I whispered- "Please change me… let me be with you forever."

**_*~*~*_**

**_One week later…_**

The day of my leaving had finally come… quicker then I ever could have imagined.

…Granted it had only taken a week for me to tell every one of my plans, and to pack up my belongings. In between all of that and the planning for what I was going to do next the days had just flown by… probably because I felt like I was busy for the first time in ages- I didn't feel like I was just wasting time like before.

I didn't know whether I liked the fact that my days in Chicago had come to an end before I even knew it was happening.

Whether I liked it or not, it had happened.

And so here I stood silently as everyone talked amongst eachother- they seemed to realise that my mind was currently elsewhere, probably assuming that I was memorising my surroundings.

They were right to some extent… because although my eyes were facing towards the Chicago City skyline, my mind was in a completely different place, focused completely on the outcomes of my decision.

I noticed this morning that it was the 1st of April- in other words it was the start of another month, time was moving forward quickly.

It was also close to spring now- I could that tell from how the air felt slightly warmer. Even though there was still heavy cloud and strong wind, there was definitely a fresher feeling in the air.

The seasons were definitely changing… and with that thought came a small epiphany- the winter changing into the spring was like a metaphor for my life at the moment.

I was changing… leaving all that I've ever known behind.

Even though I still wasn't listening to anyone's conversations, there was no way that I could avoid Alice stepping in front of me, tears now filling her eyes. "I just can't believe your going today… can't you stay any longer?" she whimpered sadly, clutching on to my arm desperately.

I also sighed out of deep sadness- out of everyone; it was Alice who had taken the news of my departure the worst. In fact, I actually did come close to changing my mind when I first told her I was going, and she begged me not to go in response.

I _considered_ staying here but soon came to the realisation that I couldn't go back on my decision.

So instead, I wiped away my tears and told her I would always be her best friend- we would _never_ lose contact. And with much reluctance she eventually accepted my decision, though I could tell that she wasn't completely happy with it.

However she had clearly now decided to make her protests known once again.

"I can't put it off any longer, I have to go Al," I whispered to her so no one else could hear, trying not to look at her expression anymore.

In comparison to Alice, everyone else was accepting when I told them my reasons for going. My mother Renee, however, seemed certain that I would change my mind about this, she thought I would back out after realising what I was leaving behind.

Once again, there was no way I would go back on my decision.

I knew all along that I would leave Chicago, whether I went with Edward or not. It was inevitable… I needed a fresh start, and a chance to re-build my life. The decision wasn't based on whether I would live with Edward or live with myself- I knew I would go anyway.

It was time for me to do this.

I was an adult… twenty years old, only several months from being twenty-one. And so technically my life hadn't really begun, but I feared that I wouldn't get the most out of my life here. I was and had always been too sheltered by everyone, and it wasn't fair to them for me to be such a burden- I had to be the one to make the change.

I knew it was nearing the time I was going to go, but even as I stood opposite all my friends and family- who were lined up to say goodbye to me- I knew that I would never regret the decision to leave home. Even though I would miss then all so much.

I also knew that I wasn't certain of anything- I didn't know what the future held, and what it would bring- but I was excited about it nonetheless.

I didn't want to fear the unknown so instead I had decided that I would welcome it with open arms.

…Finally, the clock striked twelve, and everyone knew that it was my time to go.

I took my time saying goodbye to everyone individually.

I said goodbye to Edward snr and Elizabeth – Edward's parents- first, it was definitely the easiest goodbye, as I was able to leave words to a minimum.

Despite the easiness I could still feel the tears beginning to form already and I had barely even begun.

I tried to blink them away but failed them miserably; Elizabeth noticed and smiled kindly at me.

She tried to reassure me- "For what it's worth Bella, I think you're doing the right thing, I really do. Edward would have been so proud of you," she whispered softly, placing her hand on my cheek.

My eyes widened as her comment surprised me- it had been a long time since anyone had mentioned Edward like that. It really was touching to think that she was thinking about him in that way, at such a significant moment.

The tears continued to fall from my own eyes as I hugged her tightly. "Thank you Elizabeth," I whispered to her in response, my voice cracking with emotion.

She nodded as she wiped her own tears that were falling quickly- obviously due to the memory of losing her youngest son, I knew that she wasn't even close to recovering from the shock of him dying.

And in that moment I hated that she would never know the truth, that he was alive. I hated that I couldn't tell her, because she didn't deserve this unnecessary hurt.

That was another reason I couldn't stay- I couldn't continue lying to peoples faces everytime I saw them. I wasn't a good liar, and I knew that every time I visited Edward Snr, Elizabeth or Emmett and saw their eyes - which were the exact replica of Edwards - that I wouldn't be able to look at them and _not_ tell the truth.

I wasn't that type of person.

The next people to say goodbye to were Emmett, Rosalie and their daughter Lillian.

As I hugged and kissed Lilly I felt a pang of sadness at the thought of not being able to watch her grow up. She was already so beautiful… it would be her first birthday next month, and she had already grown so much in such a short space of time. I knew that would only continue though.

After her, I hugged Rosalie knowing that I would miss her a lot- she had become such a good friend to me despite our obvious differences.

And I knew I would miss Emmett dreadfully as well… he had recently started becoming the happy, fun loving guy again… the one that he was before Edward died. He was the Emmett everyone knew and loved… including me.

I would miss his happiness and his jokes… he had a natural ability to make anyone smile.

I said goodbye to Alice and Jasper next; and as expected their goodbye took the longest time. It was mostly due to that fact that Alice refused to let go of me. It got to the point that Jasper eventually had to pry her off, only to find that _I_ didn't want to let Alice go at that point.

After that point everyone just stood back and let us cry together for a while, before I come to realisation that I would have to go soon- it was past the time that I had originally planned to go already.

I told Alice that I would have to go, and she agreed after pulling me into one final hug. "How am I going to live without you…?" she whispered sadly, "I'm going to miss you so much. You're my best friend… my sister" I sighed and hugged her tighter, momentarily not knowing what to say to that… _what could I say?_

Eventually after several moments silence I whispered to her, "You're the best sister I could have ever wished for… I'll miss you so much as well."

She nodded, and surprisingly she didn't argue or beg me to stay anymore- I knew that she had accepted that I was going, and despite the pain she was clearly experiencing, she didn't make any protest, knowing that I wasn't backing out.

I quickly hugged Jasper goodbye, and then went to the final people- my parents.

"Oh my baby… are you sure about this, you can stay here you know" Renee asked sadly as her eyes filled with tears, brushing my hair away from my face as she spoke.

I nodded, "I'm sure mom… I have to do this."

She nodded in response, and then began one of her infamous rants while she continued to play with my hair; "You'll visit though right? I don't feel ready to lose you yet baby girl." She whispered to me, while I nodded in response.

"…Okay as your sure of this, remember what I tell you now- while you're on your journey, don't forget to put gas in that pretty car of yours… you don't want to break down in the middle of nowhere. Me and your father have left some money in the glove compartment just in case of that happening… we also put a map in there in case you get lost. You might say that this is unnecessary but I also put my bible on the seat- darling I know you'll be travelling constantly but don't forget to pray at night, you still need to make sure to keep up with that…"

"Mom!" I cut her off, smiling at her fondly.

She smiled the same identical smile back at me; "I'm rambling again, aren't I?" she sighed gently.

"Yes…" everyone replied at the same time.

I laughed at them all, as I wiped away my tears- I hoped once I had left that all these tears would stop, it seemed like all I did throughout my life was cry.

It was time to become stronger, to no longer be the old Bella.

Before leaving, I looked around one final time- taking in the scenery of the skyline, and the familiar neighbourhood I had spent my whole life until now in.

I found myself hoping against hope that Jacob would appear, just to say goodbye. It was obvious he wouldn't though, and as the seconds by passed the reality of that sunk in.

…I knew that I had hurt him too much. I didn't blame him for his decision at all.

I continued to stand waiting though, and it was only as minutes passed that I realised what I was doing- I was stalling for more time with everyone, trying to savour as much time with them as I could.

I knew then that I had to stop this… if not I would end up not going.

But as I turned and faced everyone again another round of tears rolled down my face and this time I didn't even attempt to wipe them away.

I hugged everyone again one more time, though it was this time that I hugged Charlie the longest- I knew that he wasn't an overly emotional person, and that we had never been that close, but I would still miss him so much.

… Just like everyone else.

They all whispered goodbye sadly, seeming at a loss for words- I could only manage the same in response.

"I'll miss you all so much," I told them all quietly.

…_But I'll come and see you again. _

And with that, I climbed into my car – which was a Hudson continental that I had got in exchange for all my furniture – then I turned the key in the ignition and pulled away from them all.

I continued to look at them through the mirrors, but I could barely see them through my clouded, tear-filled vision. I knew that they were all still there though and that was comforting… I continued to watch until I could no longer see them.

And then I continued driving, determined not to regret this decision.

For several moments I allowed myself to wish that I hadn't of given Edward that ultimatum a week ago… that way it wouldn't have lead to this.

Because the truth… I am so afraid of what's going to happen, although I am also excited at the same time, in a strange way that didn't feel completely right.

I just wish that I didn't have to make that decision to leave my friends and family behind…

I pulled the car over to the side of the road, waiting silently in my seat as I cried into my hands, letting the last of my tears out.

Everything around me was silent and still, I suddenly felt fearful that I was alone…

And then as much as I didn't want to, I wondered if I had made the right decision for the first time. This new, sudden feeling bought on a wave of nausea, as I knew I couldn't back out now.

Where is he, where are you Edward…? "Bella…?"

I jumped at the sound of the soft voice, and began wiping at my eyes furiously so I could see if it really was him.

The bluriness eventually went away and slowly Edward came into focus, he was standing by the side of the car, but leaning towards me, a loving expression on his face.

"Edward…" I breathed in pure and utter relief.

Without further thought I climbed out of the car and jumped into his waiting arms, noticing that the horrible nervous feeling had gone and that it had been replaced with a warm one.

"Sorry I'm late, the goodbyes took longer then I thought" I apologised, placing my head in the crook of his neck.

"Don't apologise for that, sweetheart" he murmured, kissing my forehead gently.

It was silent for several moments; I just rested my head against his chest and breathed in his sweet scent as we stood together.

"Bella…" he eventually murmured, stroking my hair as he spoke, "…I just need to check one last time, but are you sure about this?" he asked quietly as he looked down at me.

I looked up at him knowing that all my tears were gone by now- instead of feeling sad and guilt I now felt happier then I've ever felt in my life. All my doubt had been completely replaced with a pure joy… and it was then that I realised that I had made the right decision.

Yes, I would miss my family and friends… but I couldn't live a proper life without Edward. He _is_ my life, and the only one I will ever truly love. Our time apart taught me that… because all I did was spend all my time thinking about him, wishing for him to be with me again.

And now he was… and we could have our life together, starting from now.

I looked up at him, a wide smile stretching across my face, "Yes… I'm sure," I replied sincerely.

At my honest words his smile stretched so it matched my own, and without saying anything he suddenly lifted me up and spun us around several times, our joyous laughs echoing down the empty forest lined street.

When he stopped spinning us, I finally found my voice- "I love you" I told him softly, pulling him down for a soft kiss.

"And I love you too, with everything in me" he whispered against my lips as he kissed me back just as softly.

After a couple of moments he pulled away and looked me in the eye, his golden eyes shining as he spoke to me.

"Bella, I know that we have spent so long apart… and that it was my fault. But I _promise_ that I will spend every single day until the end of time making it up to you" he told me sweetly, his eyes never leaving my own.

I smiled at his words and leant even closer to him, "does that mean that you promise you will change me?" I whispered softly, still smiling at him.

"I already made that promise didn't I?" he murmured, referring back to the other night when he had agreed after my ultimatum. "And it's one I intend to keep" he told me quietly, kissing me again.

We stayed in eachother's arms for several more moments, before I looked back at the car.

"We'd better get going" I told him excitedly, "we have a long journey ahead of us"

"That we do," he murmured, as he took hold of my hand and lead me around to the passenger side of the blue car.

He helped me into my seat and then ran around to the driver's side, smoothly sliding in to his seat.

He turned to face me and took my left hand in his; kissing my engagement ring, which had never left my hand, not even in the past few years.

"Are you ready?" he asked quietly, smiling at me.

I smiled back in response, finding myself want to yell the next two words out to the world- "I'm ready," I breathed, my voice shaking with anticipation.

With one last smile directed only at me he started up the car and pulled away- within no time we were going at a fast, steady speed, and the scenery was passing us in a blur, the miles just breezing by.

It was as we left the Chicago City limits and went out onto the open road to our next destination that I finally allowed myself to laugh with happiness though.

Edward didn't hesitate and just laughed with me, his glorious smile leaving me breathless.

We drove until it was the night and then still continued, never looking back as we travelled further and further away.

We didn't need to say much, but I couldn't help but notice that his hand never left my own.

With the wind blowing through my hair and Edward's hand never letting go of mine, I rested my head back against the seat with only one thought going through my mind as we continued to drive.

_I've definitely made the right decision. _

* * *

**Theres no chapter preview, as theres only the epilogue to go.. I'm not completely sure about where I'm going with it, besides.. I dont want to give anything away :)**

**But yeah, I really hope people liked this. I thought it was sweet in a way, I swear I had tears in my eyes writing it because I'm really sad this story is coming to an end.. I've really loved writing it.**

**By the way I've put a picture of Bellas car, and ExB's house in Chicago on my profile if you want to have a look :)**

**Please, please review! Can we reach 190 (we're just so close to 200 now after all!) **

**Thanks for reading, Emma . x**


	12. Epilogue: Time

**Hii, heres the epilogue! Without further adou.. the final thank yous for those who reviewed. Thanks for- JenniCullen, Thirsty4Blood, twilightlover90, BFFofCrazyShopoholicPixe-Alice, Kimmy, lionlambluv, alys09, eflmc101, mysoundlesssilentscream, j5girl31012, kaygirlrach, dogsrplayful, daisylautner16, caww, Twilightteen14 and SlicVic for your amazing reviews!**

**Thanks to everyone who's ever reviewed this.. especailly to those who have stayed so loyal right from the beginning. I'll write to everyone seperately I promise.. though I don't think it will be today, maybe some. It's quite late here and I've been writing this all day after all :) It's the longest chapter I've ever written but I think it was deserved for this chapter.**

**Anyway... I'm not going to write anymore as I'm getting upset now. This is the first story I've ever completed on here.. and I'm quite upset that its all over.**

**Thanks again to everyone who's stuck by this... and I hope you like what I've done with the epilogue. :D xx**

* * *

**Thinking of you**

***~* Epilogue *~***

_(Song for the chapter- Life is beautiful- Vega 4)_

***~*~***

After leaving the city I had called my home for my entire life; we just drove for days and days on end. We breezed through many small towns and travelled through bustling cities, seeing many wonderful sights as we went.

…I lost count of the hours that just seemed to fly by, and the days and nights that passed with no worry.

I knew where we were heading, but I didn't know how long it would take us to get there.

And that didn't matter, because of who I had by my side.

_"Life is beautiful,  
__We live until we die_."

**April 1945**

It was dark outside and I was barely able to keep my eyes open- it must have been midnight, and the long drive through forests and the lack of towns had taken their toll on me.

Edward kept urging me to sleep, telling me he would wake me when we got there. I refused his offer though- I wanted to watch the scenery, to see where I was.

However that decision was now beginning to backfire on me as I was ready to finally drift off, I was just about to allow the tiredness to overcome me when what I saw in front froze me in my actions.

There was only one word for the beautiful white mansion I could now see in front of me… and that was _beautiful._

This place was incredible… but surely this couldn't be where we were going to live? Somewhere this wonderful didn't fit someone like me… I didn't deserve it.

"We're home," Edward whispered softly to me, as if to confirm my doubtful thoughts.

"H-here?" I whispered just as quietly, "…_this_ is your home?"

He pulled the car to a stop and instantly turned towards me, lifting my hands into his. "Correction beautiful, this is _our_ home" he whispered softly, smiling at me.

I smiled back at his sweet words, but I was still doubtful, wondering if I could ever fit in somewhere like here… though I suppose time would tell.

Edward was watching me intently, but looked up at a sudden sound- he turned and faced towards the house where two people were now standing on the porch. I knew already that these people were Carlisle and Esme, his new family.

"Come on, love" he murmured, kissing me on the cheek.

I nodded and reached for my door handle- only to find that Edward was already there opening the door for me.

"It's going to take a while for me to get used to that…" I muttered to myself, as I slipped my hand into his.

Once Edward had helped me out of the car he instantly wrapped his arm around my waist to support me, knowing that I was tired and probably needed the help more then I would openly admit.

We walked across the long lawn together, and made our way up the few stairs leading to the wrap around porch.

Carlisle and Esme both watched us walking to them silently- as we got closer to them I finally took in their features… and needless to say I was amazed.

Just like Edward, they were flawless. And so, so beautiful.

Carlisle was as tall as Edward, but instead of Edward's bronze colouring he had honey blonde hair. He had a very kind expression and was dressed very formally.

Esme on the other hand had long caramel wavy hair; and had a soft expression, making her look motherly- for one moment I was reminded and saddened by the thought of my mother Renee, who was all the way back in Chicago.

The one thing that struck me the most was that both of them had matching golden eyes, like Edward.

…And that both of them were both smiling widely at me, just like Edward was.

Edward cleared his throat quietly, "Carlisle, Esme… this is my Bella. Bella this is Carlisle and Esme" He whispered softly, looking down at me with only a loving expression.

Esme was the first to step forward- her smile only grew as she pulled me in for a gentle hug. "Oh Bella, you're just as lovely as Edward said… it's wonderful to finally meet you"

"You too," I whispered in response, feeling irrationally nervous.

Carlisle hugged me after Esme, and then they both hugged Edward, telling him how glad they were to have him back again.

After a couple of minutes of casual conversation about the journey they noticed how tired I was and we made our way into the house.

Instantly I was taken back by sight in front of me… if I thought the outside of this place was incredible, then there was only one word to describe the inside… and that was _magnificent._

My eyes didn't leave the grand piano in the corner of the room as I spoke- "Oh wow… you have such a beautiful home" I gasped out in wonder.

_Beautiful was __definitely__ an understatement. _

Esme stepped beside me; she was still smiling lovingly, directing it at me. "Oh thank you dear… though don't forget this is your home now, as well"

I smiled back at her, "That's what he said" I replied gently, gesturing to Edward who was a couple of metres behind, standing next to Carlisle at that moment.

He smiled at me and then closed the distance, wrapped his arms around me from behind. "That's because it's the truth sweetheart" he whispered gently into my ear, kissing it as he gently swayed us from side to side.

I smiled up at him and then glanced at Carlisle and Esme who were now in a similar embrace- both looking over in our direction with a mix of pride and love.

They were all right; this was home… after all this was the most at home I had felt in years…

And so there was only one thing to say as I more then willingly relaxed into Edward's embrace,

"Yeah… it is." I whispered, smiling up at him once again.

_"When you run into my arms, We steal a perfect moment.  
__Let the monsters see you smile, let them see you smile…  
__And do I hold you too tightly?  
__When will the hurt kick in?"_

**September 1945**

_"I now pronounce you husband and wife… you may kiss the bride"_

-Edward didn't hesitate to close the distance between us as the minister spoke those words. Within a second his lips were pressed against mine in a soft kiss filled with love and passion.

In the couple of seconds where the words were spoken I noticed that his face was filled with nothing but adoration.

As he held me even tighter not breaking our kiss, I could hear Carlisle and Esme clapping and congratulating us, but I paid no attention… instead focusing on the touch of my husband.

_My husband…_ it felt so wonderful to finally be able to call him that.

This day had been such a long time coming, years overdue in fact… and yet I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Truthfully the wait had only made this moment even more wonderful… because of how much we had overcome to get to this point.

It only proved our love was even more real… epic even.

Eventually Edward pulled away to let me breathe; though he refused to let go of me.

His expression was unreadable, and so full of love as he whispered- "I love you so much Isabella Masen-Cullen."

_Incredible._

To my dismay I couldn't form words at that moment, fortunately he seemed to understand that I was thinking exactly the same as him, probably due to the smile and tears of happiness falling down my face.

Over the time I had left Chicago things had changed a lot… I know that I had in many ways.

However, the one thing that had remained the same was my love for Edward, and his love for me.

In reality, I still missed my family dreadfully… although it was getting mildly easier. In the six months that I had been gone I kept my promise to everyone- one of them was that I wrote to my mother weekly, mentioning that I was still praying every Sunday just like she asked.

I even kept my promise and made sure to write to Jacob occasionally… he's written a couple of times in response, they were mostly letter of him telling me how everyone was doing, and that he missed me.

It was his most recent letter that confused me the most… I knew before that he was talking about this girl who had started working at the store with him. In previous letters he mentioned that she was called Leah, and that they were enemies due to her spunky attitude, and that they always fought all the time.

What was confusing was that in the last letter he talked about how they were now getting along.

It sounded very promising, and I was full of happiness for him… hopeful that he was going to be happy like me.

The only thing I regretting was that I was going to be lying to all of them, in the worst possible way.

It was because they were mentioning me coming back home… and I knew that wasn't possible.

…Because tomorrow was _the_ day, where everything was going to change once again, in the most extreme way.

It was the day that Edward would be keeping his promise… to make me like him.

I know it seemed sudden to be doing this so soon after the wedding, but I was fast approaching twenty-one, and I knew that I didn't want to keep ageing. I also wanted our proper life- where he doesn't have to restrain himself for fear of hurting me- to begin.

We had decided against a honeymoon for now, and were planning to go travelling to celebrate being married once I had adapted to the changes that being a vampire would bring.

Edward kept asking me if I was scared and I always told him that I wasn't, because it was the truth… well, mostly.

One of the things I was afraid of was the three days of pain I knew I was going to have to endure to get the end result.

I knew I wouldn't have to be terrified of it though, because I knew that Edward was going to be by my side the entire time- I knew what it would bring.

… An eternity with him by my side.

Although I was afraid of something else… I was also afraid of lying to everyone that I had died.

After much deliberation I saw no other option… I knew that I couldn't go back and visit them once I had changed, but that people unfortunately expected me to go and see them.

Which wouldn't be possible.

I knew that I had to get this over and done with even though it would hurt them so much… the guilt at the thought of that kept eating away at me, but I never said anything.

I didn't want it to seem like I was having doubts.

"Thinking about something important, love?" Edward's sweet voice broke me out of my thoughts.

I looked up at my husband who was still smiling down at me- the love and emotion he was feeling clear in his shining golden eyes.

"Just about how happy I am to finally be married to you" I murmured in response, smiling up at him as well.

He looked content at my response, although slight apprehension formed as he spoke again- "Tomorrow, right?" he whispered gently.

"Tomorrow…" I echoed in response, knowing that it was something I refused to be afraid about anymore- it was all that I wanted.

Tomorrow, forever would begin.

_"Life… is beautiful,  
__But it's complicated- we barely make it.  
__We don't need to understand…  
__There are miracles, miracles"_

**January 1946**

_"HAPPY NEW YEAR!!"_

I turned and ran into Edward's strong arms as we all yelled the chant together. He laughed loudly and spun us around, kissing me deeply for an immeasurable amount of time while Carlisle and Esme also celebrated.

It was the new year and more time had passed in a breeze- we had already been married for four months- it was staggering to think how the time seemed to pass now so quickly.

I suppose we had a lot of it though.

True to his word, Edward had changed me the day after our wedding, and after 72 hours of gruelling pain, I opened my eyes to a whole new array of strength and ability.

The first few months weren't as difficult as I expected… it was probably because I had imagined it to be unbearable- I prepared myself for the worst, and yet it come out better then that.

Although it was difficult... I had finally got used to their 'vegetarian' diet, and to my delight my eyes had changed from the frightening crimson they started out as to the warm golden colour that everyone else had.

I knew I was very fortunate though… Edward, Carlisle and Esme had stuck by me the entire time, and supported me during my weak moments.

Within such a short time of moving here, Carlisle and Esme had truly become my family; after all they meant so much to me- I knew it was the same the other way around.

I felt so fortunate now.

Especially because the transformation had also made Edward and me even closer- if that was even possible.

And now that it was the beginning of a New Year, and we were certain that I was ready to go out in public- I was going to enjoy it.

Edward and I were going travelling from today onwards… to see as many places as we could together. We were starting in Alaska where we had planned to visit years ago.

Some people would disagree with my decisions… many people wouldn't want what I have chosen.

But I knew that it was the right decision for me.

_"Yeah, life is beautiful, Our hearts they beat and break.  
__When you run away from harm, Will you run back into my arms?  
__Like you did when you were young?  
__Will you come back to me?  
__And I will hold you tightly, When the hurting kicks in..."_

**June 1948**

Here we are, back where everything began…

My first thought was that Chicago still looked the same, though truthfully I wasn't expecting much to change.

It had slipped to the back of my mind, but I remembered that the war was long over now- by years already. There were more people living here I noticed- more young families all milling about, due to the increase in the amount of houses all about.

Edward and I had been travelling on and off for years, occasionally stopping off at home to see Carlisle and Esme for a couple of months at a time. We had finally made the decision to come back and visit Chicago- and to see how our families were doing.

It had taken much decision, but we both felt that we were ready for this. Even though I was now beginning to regret the decision…

"It'll be okay, Bella" Edward soothed me as if reading my mind, kissing my hand gently.

"I know it will… I'm just nervous, I wonder what they're all like now…" I murmured softly as I stared out of the car window at the tall buildings passing by us.

"There's no need to be nervous" he whispered, though his voice wavered slightly- showing his slight apprehension.

Over the years the guilt of leaving them all behind and lying that I died had still remained.

… I suppose that the agony of missing them had long faded, due to the time and my new family. But now that I was back here… I missed them all over again. It was unusual to be missing them now because they were closer then they have been in a few years…

At least I had the knowledge that I would see them all again throughout the next few days- mine and Edward's plan was to just watch them from the shadows, kind of like the way he did when he first returned three years ago.

And so the days continued to pass quickly as we watched everyone, we started with my parent's… I was relieved to see that they were normal. I took everything in- noting that they were still living in the same house and that Charlie was still part of the police and Renee was her usual, crazy, life-loving self. There was no hint of sadness in their actions… not that I expected it, I was so happy that they were fine and happy together.

Next we saw Emmett and Rosalie… and as I expected, their daughter Lilly was beautiful, she had completely changed from the last time, being that she was now four. It was wonderful watching the family interact with eachother… especially with their other child, who only looked to about one year old- he had been named Eddie, short for Edward obviously.

That touched Edward- he was touched that they still remembered him in that way.

So, all was good.

However, our next visit did change things a little.

We went to see Edward's parents and caught Elizabeth giving a beautiful, heartbreaking speech.

We sat at night watching her through the trees as she stood on the back porch from her house. We were sure to keep a good distance away but could still hear everything she was saying as she stared at the star filled sky.

She sighed, clutching onto the rail of the porch as she began speaking- "June the 20th… you would have been twenty-seven today, Edward, can you believe it? I know I can't! My little boy, so grown up so quickly. You know… I bet you and Bella would have had loads of children by now… loads of cute bronze haired babies with big brown eyes. They would have two girls and a boy of course, named after everyone you know. I know it would have been just like Bella to do something like that, being that she was so kind and full of love." She sighed sadly, as if deep in memory about something.

I reached for Edward's hand in the darkness and he pulled me to him, clutching onto me tightly as if he was desperate for comfort and reassurance.

I knew why this was- all along he had always been worried about me leaving my family behind… but in reality he had to leave behind just as many people that he loved.

And it hurt him just as much, if not more deep down.

Elizabeth continued talking, a small smile on her face- "I always saw you ending up with Bella… even when you were just children and just good friends. I _always_ knew that you two would be together and live a long happy life with each other… I guess I was wrong about that huh?" she laughed quietly to herself, wiping away the couple of stray tears that had fallen.

Her voice was even softer when she spoke again- "I just hope you found eachother again… wherever you two are. I just hope you're happy and you're safe, and of course looking down on us- have you seen your gorgeous niece and nephew? Lily and Eddie are growing up so quickly… I know you would have loved them. And they would have loved you too- and Bella of course."

She seemed deep in thought, "I think I know why Bella died you know… it was because she wanted to be with you... I just hope that she found you and that you're both happy together."

…As she spoke I took in her words, noticing that what she was saying was both right and wrong at the same time, it was incredibly frightening and ironic in one package.

Edward looked tortured as he grabbed hold of me again, "Can we leave…?" he whispered, looking on the brink of sobbing.

"Are you sure?" I asked him in surprise.

He nodded, "I don't think I can hear anymore, beside she's going in now anyway…" he trailed off, nodding in the direction of the house.

I glanced through the trees to see the retreating figure of Elizabeth as she walked back inside… she was gone.

I looked back at Edward to see that he still had the same devastated expression on his face- I reached forward and placed my hands on each of his cheeks.

"Edward… it's okay" I whispered soothingly to him, "she's okay… she seemed happy, it's just because of what today is" I explained, referring to the date.

He wrapped his arms around me again, "I didn't realise the day though…" he whispered into my hair, his voice agonized- "I wouldn't have come if I knew…"

"I know, I know" I murmured pressing my face into his neck.

After spending ages just holding onto eachother we decided to leave and go to our final place having decided to just finish visiting everyone tonight.

We made our way quickly to Alice and Jasper's house – making sure to keep in the shadows of course. Once there we sat in silence waiting for a while knowing that they must have been out due to the lack of sound coming from the house.

After a while I sighed out of worry, they had to be coming home soon right…?

Luckily it was at that moment that I heard their voices right in the distance; I immediately clutched Edward's hand wanting to be prepared to have his comfort this time, he pulled me against his side and kissed me on the cheek and temple gently.

After a minute or so the voices got louder Alice and Jasper appeared- they were walking down the sidewalk hand in hand heading straight towards their home.

To my relief they looked the same despite the noticeable ageing of course. Although there was one noticeable difference on Alice… her large rounded stomach.

"She's pregnant…" I murmured in awe, disbelief and happiness.

I felt Edward squeeze my hand even tighter.

Both Alice and Jasper walked right up to the house, wearing the same content smiles throughout the entire walk.

Jasper went straight in, but Alice lingered by the front door for several moments, just watching everything around her, the trees, the night time sky…

And then her eyes landed right where we were hiding.

Both of us didn't dare breathe- afraid to alert her that we were here.

Although I had a feeling that she knew somehow… her eyes looked so contemplative and confused.

She watched where we were for about a minute before turning her attention elsewhere. I heard Jasper call her, and she instantly turned to walk into the house.

She gave one last lingering look to the sky, "I miss you, best friend…" she eventually breathed.

"I miss you too" I instantly whispered in response- far too low for her to hear.

She walked into the house without further glance and I finally relaxed again and allowed myself to breathe.

"Did she know…?" I whispered softly, unblinking.

"I'm not sure" Edward eventually replied, his voice hesitant.

It was silent for a while, until Edward let out a gentle, reluctant sigh, "come on love, I think we need to go now" he murmured, grabbing hold of my hand.

I nodded and let him help me up, casting one last glance to the house… knowing that it would be the last time I ever saw it like this.

I was more then okay with that though… because I knew that everyone else was happy.

Once again- just like three years ago- we drove together out of Chicago without much looking back.

_"Life is beautiful, but it's complicated, We barely make it.  
__We don't need to understand,  
__There are miracles, miracles.  
__Stand where you are, We let all these moments pass us by..."_

**June 2005**

It's been a staggering, and unimaginable 57 years.

That's 684 months- some would call it approximately 20,805 days, such a huge amount of time…

And yet I hadn't changed, I was still in my twenty-year-old body. I was still married to my incredible husband; I still lived with Carlisle and Esme…

In summary I hadn't changed, but everything around me had.

The world around us had continued to age and advance, and because of that we were able to experience everything.

And it was incredible… for example I never would have imagined all those years ago that we would be flying back to Chicago in a two engined plane… of course 57 years ago they did have the starter of planes like this, they were used in the war after all. But still I never imagined back then that I would get to go on one myself.

It was amazing to just see how everything continued to grow and get better… and that we got to watch the changes together side by side.

This lead to the biggest question of all, which I finally had the answer to…

_Why did Edward think being a vampire was such a curse?_

… This was why.

For the first time in 57 years we were back in Chicago.

And here we stood next to each other in the cemetery… staring at the gravestones of all those that we left behind.

Very occasionally I do wonder what life would have been like if I had chosen to stay here with my family, if I didn't decide on immortality and to stay with Edward forever.

And everytime I come to the same conclusion…

It would have been good, I would have been happy to some extent… but I would have been nowhere near as happy as I am with Edward.

I looked at the gravestones for a long time, with Edward always beside me. I allowed myself to cry as I looked at my parents ones and then Alice and Jasper's…

Although I was cheered up slightly when I noticed that next to Jacob's one lay Leah's one, with her name displayed as 'Leah Black.'

I guess that he did get married after all, he found his happy ending.

…Just as I found mine.

"They were happy remember?" Edward murmured next to me, as he saw my upset face at seeing my parent's graves.

"Yeah I know…" I breathed, "It's just so weird to be leaving them behind I guess"

"I know" he murmured, as he wrapped an arm around my waist.

We spent the rest of the day together, waiting until the grey sky faded into black before we decided to continue once again.

We walked to the car together; I smiled at the sight of the silver Volvo, which we had bought earlier today when we got here to continue our journeys in.

We both got into the car, and then Edward finally broke the silence- "Bella…" he whispered, turning to look at me- "…You are happy right? You don't regret your decision do you?" he asked with concern and worry.

"Not at all" I answered instantly, leaning closer to him, "-I know what I left behind… and I'll admit it does hurt to know that they're all gone now. But I know that they were happy, and that they are happy now… and I know that I am, because I have you." I whispered softly to him.

He smiled lovingly at me, "I feel exactly the same" he whispered kissing me gently.

I raised an eyebrow- "You don't regret changing me?" I asked him teasingly.  
He laughed quietly, brushing his fingers over my cheek, "Silly girl, there is no way I would ever regret that. Forever, remember?" he asked me softly.

I nodded, smiling widely, "Forever" I breathed in response.

He smiled widely as well, kissing my cheek once more- "Let's go and continue it then." He smiled, waiting for me to nod in response.

Once I had enthusiastically it was quiet for a moment as he put the key in the ignition.

And although the silence was comforting and relaxing there was one thing I wanted to say- "Edward…?" I asked quietly.

He looked up at me, his beautiful crooked grin spread across his face- "Yes?"

I leant forward and kissed him, "I love you," I whispered against his lips.

"I love you too my wife" he murmured, his lips still against mine. "…And I will until the end of time"

_I felt exactly the same. _

And so once again we drove off into the night, continuing on into the rest of our forever… knowing that we would always be together.

That was for certain.

Who knew what the future was going to hold…?

I know I didn't, but I sure was excited to find out.

_It's amazing where I'm standing, There's a lot left we can give.  
__This is ours just for a moment, There's a lot left we can give.  
__It's amazing where I'm standing, There's a lot left we can give_

_This is ours just for a moment, There's a lot left we can give_.

**_The end._**

* * *

**Thanks to everyone for reading this!**

**Any chance people could review this one last time? :) It would be incredible to get to 200... it would feel like such as achievement. If we don't get there though I suppose it doesn't matter, but at least a few reviews would be amazing. **

**Once again thanks everyone for your supposet and thanks for reading this small little story of mine :)**

**Emma . x**


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